Impasse

I think that I am in an impasse right now. I am unmotivated, depressed, and have no direction whatsoever in my life.

I am so sorry my dear blog for letting you catch all of my emotional baggage. But I have no one to talk to right now. Or at least I don’t want to disturb others. But for now, I want to do something. I want to change. So let me enumerate first what I think is wrong with me, then let me offer some solutions. Because I know that I already know the answers, I just need to sort out myself first.

I am home sick. Yes I am, I admit it now. Even though I always say that it is much better here than in the Philippines, there is always no place like home. I realized it just now; I went down to the dining area to eat, then I saw my landlady and her whole family in their living room. They are watching a movie together, eating food cooked by Ate. Then I remembered my family back at home. I remembered the times we also watch movie together, play some games in the PS (even though I always lose from my brother), go out shopping in the mall, go out and eat at a new diner near us… I miss them, I miss being with them, I miss doing things with them. I regret spending less time with them when I was still in the Philippines, and I regret taking for granted that I had with them.

I had a video call with my nephew and mother earlier, and I observed that my mother has aged. Maybe I noticed it now because I don’t see her often nowadays, and I was surprised. I realized that the clock is ticking, and I am spending my time here without her. I was sad, I was really sad, but I can’t show it to her. I regret all the times that I acted like a spoiled brat in front of her, and I wish that I could go back in time to do all the good things for her. I love her very much, I know that she already knows that, but I wish that I could more things for her and spend more time with her.

And I miss my elder brothers too. I don’t tell them much about what I’m going through or how I’m feeling, but I think they know what’s going on with me. When my ex and I broke up last year, I thought that their reactions were just superficial, but then I realized when I came back home that they are so worried about me, that they just want to be strong for me, and that they don’t want me to tell anything that I am not prepared for. I appreciate them more for that. I love them very much. If I could just turn back time and spend more time with them, let myself be spoiled by them again. I miss them very much, and I am crying like a child right now. I never thought that writing this paragraph could trigger this much emotion in me. I miss home, I miss my family, I miss their care and understanding. I want them to know, but I don’t want them to worry. That’s why I need to be strong for them.

  I literally shed a tear when I saw his schoolboy pictures. Is this really how a tita should feel? :(

I feel pressured at work. I feel that I am able to adjust better now at work. From the one time that I tried working with another ward and from the stories that I heard from other newly qualified nurses like me, I think that my ward is alright compared to other areas. I still feel tired after the shifts, but I think I can manage. However, I am in the point of my career that I need to be a nurse-in-charge, but I am not ready yet. Yes, I have been nurse-in-charge in the Philippines before, but I think it is quite different here. First, I’m still not familiar with some of the policies in the ward. And then I am also still afraid of speaking with the doctors, I think it might be because of the culture that I got from the Philippines; being in a pay-ward means that I have to talk regularly with consultants, fellows, and residents of whom most treats us like their personal maids. I’m also afraid that I won’t be able to understand them or that I won’t be able to get my thoughts to them properly because – English and accents. I’m also afraid that I won’t be able to answers their questions; being a nurse in charge means that you have to know everything about the ward, and the problem is that I have short term memory loss (well not really, but the thing is I forget things quite easily). I am also afraid that I will do something wrong or handover something that isn’t right.

Aside from being a nurse in charge, I also feel the pressure of doing some things for our ward. For example, training the staff in syringe pumps. Like, these staff are in the trust waaaaayy longer than me, it would be really awkward to teach them things that they know already, probably more than me. Lastly, I don’t really feel that I belong in my ward. There is really no connection with me and my colleagues. I can tolerate being with them, but I can’t help but compare the companionship that me and my workmates in the Philippines have. I don’t feel at home in my ward. Yes, they seem to be nice and kind to me, my manager is great, but I don’t feel I belong there.

This is me graduating from my Preceptorship. I feel relieved, but pressured at the same time.

I have a broken heart. Yes, however hard I try to avoid it, I really am a hopeless romantic. I think I completely moved on already from my past two heartbreaks (yes, as I said, I tend to forget things quickly). But the thing is, I fall easily. Well not really easily, but, it’s hard to explain. It’s still the same person that I was pertaining to in my last post. I tried communicating with him more during the past few weeks, and I don’t know if he just doesn’t get it or he’s just shrugging me off. But I think that I might have hurt his feelings in some ways that I cannot undo now. He is so cold to me now, that I think we cannot go back to the level of friendship we had before. I want him to know about how I feel, but I don’t think that I can bear another heartache again. And I want to give myself some self-respect. I want to be loved because a man loves me so, not because I told him that I like him. Dalagang Pilipina lang dapat tayo. So there heart, I think my decision on this is just be the best friend you can be ever be. If he wants you, then you can entertain. But if not… I don’t know. Just don’t be sad heart. I hope someone will realize that I am a great lady too. I hope someone will give me a chance…

I think you ignoring this means a no, right? Don't worry, I'll try to forget the feelings now. :')

I have no direction. More than one year has already passed since I left the Philippines, but here I am, took some time off from work due to depression, and I don’t know where to go next. I don’t know what to do tomorrow, next month, next year, or for the rest of my entire life. I keep busying myself with different hobbies that I don’t seem to focus on to or finish (hello books, hello Diablo 3, hello Steam games, hello art set). I want to travel, but I don’t know where. I want to buy a house, but I don’t know how. I want to have a family, but nobody wants me. As I said, I am on an impasse right now. But I think I know the answer. Just make realistic plans, and stick to it. Give some time for yourself. Acknowledge your victories and accomplishments. I need to appreciate myself more. I am a great woman, and the proof is who I am right now, where I am, and what I am capable of doing. And I realized that I have a missing piece in my life right now. I forgot about God. I became too caught up with the world and these material things that I forgot about my spirituality. So now I am turning back to You. I hope that You will still accept me.

But I'm thankful that I was able to achieve one of my childhood dreams. I just hope that next time there would be someone here with me. Thank you in advance, Lord. :)

My rant is finished, and I feel better now. My thoughts are much more organized. I feel more capable, and I love myself more. I hope the next time that I write here, it will be for a more positive news. I love you Jane!!!

Random Musings

It has been some time since I last wrote on this blog. I cannot sleep even though I’ll be working night later. And to think that I usually boast that I can sleep with the flick of a finger. But I can understand me, there’s something bothering me. And that’s why I’m writing here again.

I don’t find enjoyment in anything that I do. I tried reading books, playing online, offline, PC, and mobile games, read work-related articles, messaging people - but none is working. All of these are just making my head ache. I guess I’m depressed. I guess I just need someone to talk with. Ask me how my day has been. If I’m alright. If I’m still alive. I think I’m annoying other people when I try doing this for them - I’m extremely sensitive regarding that.

And the thing is, I just came from Italy together with some friends. The trip was good, it was tiring, but it was good. My heart and mind are still there, I want to go back. The place is just perfect for me. At least I was able to forget all of the stress here in UK. Although I want to change some things that I did back there - I guess I was too guarded. I wonder if I just had let my heart do its thing, would I be happier now?

But I am disappointed with myself. Why do I fall ever so easily. Why can’t I control my feelings? Just showing me kindness and some mixed signals that I don’t even know if those are for me is making me like someone. Focus Jane. Focus. You don’t want another friendship ruined because of your emotions.

I guess I’ll just stay away for now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if I’m ready for all of these yet. I don’t think that I am someone that anyone can be proud of. I’m not beautiful, I’m chubby, my cooking skills are limited, I’m clingy, I’m not too expressive.. Maybe that’s why no one is interested in me.

But despite all of that, I still want someone to spend my time with, someone to talk with, someone to embrace me, someone to love me with all their heart. But hoping and waiting for that someone is breaking me. I’m getting old and I need someone to rely on. I try to tell myself that I’m a strong independent woman, but at times like these, I admit that I still want someone with me.

I guess I’ll just try resolving this on my own. I hope I can. I hope my brain will try to calm down. I don’t want another migraine episode - because now I’ll be all alone here with no one to care for me.

Reasons for Moving Out

Well, I currently have some time in my hands (six days to be exact 😎 ) that's why I'll be doing this post. This is just bugging my mind for too long now and I want to tick it off my To Do List. I wrote the draft for this when I was still in the Philippines and reviewing for the IELTS after I had flunked for my first try. As you might have guessed from the title, these are the reasons why I chose to leave the Philippines, well, the Nursing profession there in particular.

1. I do not love my job.

If I had the choice, I would have chosen a 9-5 job which does not involve dealing with people - directly. And nursing is a job that is the total opposite of that. I have all the core values that our college has to offer (I hope so) - Integrity, Nationalism, Caring, Universalism, and Excellence, but it just drains all of my energy (physical, emotional, social, spiritual, etc.)!!! I am good at my job, but I guess after several years of practicing it, I think I still don't have the passion for it. Maybe I have, but I guess I was just too tired. Aside from the physical aspects of the job which required me to stand and walk around and do procedures 8 hours per shift (or more in most days) with no lunch or toilet breaks (most of the time), I have low tolerance for dramatic and emotional encounters. It just drains me. I try to be as distant as possible from my patients and their families, but sometimes before I sleep at night I still think about them. Years of experience will never let me get used to it.

2. Health hazards.

Nursing involves direct patient contact, with people who are ill, and may have communicable diseases. Even though we wear masks, normal or the N95 ones, I still don't feel safe. And heck, we even have to buy our own protective supplies most of the time because it's not available in our pharmacy! If you are tired from all the work that you're doing, your immune system would also be compromised, which places you at a greater risk to contracting these bugs from the people that you are caring for. And once you are sick, there will be little support for you. You can even be doubted if you really are sick, you'll be asked to go to the infirmary wherein you have to go in early and the doctors will come in late, you'll be asked to report to duty as soon as possible because your ward is short-staffed, and if you're gone for a long time you'll be bugged by your conscience for all your workmates who worked extra hours just to fill in your shifts. I mean, this is nursing, I care for people, but who will care for me when I am the one who is sick?

Aside from that, nurses are also at risk for unhealthy lifestyle. One is because of shifting schedules. Imagine having to work three kind of shifts in a month (8 hours a day, 5 days a week) - 06:00-14:30, 14:00-22:30, and 22:00-06:30. Your body clock will be so messed up that you have to find a way to condition your body to sleep and wake up on demand just to get that well-deserved rest - or not. You're lucky if you have the chance to get out of the ward on time, but because of the workload, most of the time, nurses go home one hour or more after their shift ends - with no overtime pay. There is also the problem of having spine related problems due to frequent lifting of heavy patients. If your hospital doesn't provide the right equipment and training with all those lifting and patient handling, sooner or later you yourself will have to undergo therapy and surgery for your back. And as I have said earlier, there is also the problem with not eating and going to the toilet for a whole shift. It might be because you are too busy doing more urgent things for the doctors and patients that you don't have time for yourself to even do even the most basic of things (and that's why many nurses have gastric and kidney problems). And once your home from duty, the tendency is just to eat and then lay flat in bed and rest. And it does not end there. Because you are so stressed, you tend to stress-eat mostly unhealthy foods, and not do any exercise (and that's why many nurses are diabetic, hypertensive, and have high cholesterol levels).

Enough with the physical aspects of health hazards, because there are also the emotional and mental aspects of care. We are not robots. Handling 5-15 patients a day can take a toll on our emotional health, especially those requiring end of life care. Usually we just try to laugh it out with our colleagues and make jokes, but deep inside, it's not enough for me. Sometimes I feel that I'm becoming a being with a dark personality because I feel that I am becoming less passionate and empathic towards my patients. Well I don't know if that's normal or if that's a good defense mechanism to stay on this job. And all's well and good if you have supportive colleagues, but sometimes all of you are just so tired and drained that you won't be able to offer much help for each other.

3. Financial problems.

Let's face it. This is an old problem with the nursing profession. We are working too hard but we are not compensated much in the Philippines. Yes, you can get by with your everyday life, buy the essentials to live, travel sometimes (well, if you are allowed to file a long leave), spoil yourself a little. But you'll notice in time that you won't be able to save much for your future. Heck, with all those health hazards and health problems that you can acquire with this profession, you might just want to retire early. But you can't. Because you don't have savings. In the end, you're just working for the patients and for the hospital, but not for your future.

4. Personal circumstances.

The truth is, I don't want to be a nurse forever in the Philippines. I wanted to pursue higher education, earn a degree, and shift professions. But surprise! I won't be able to do that while I'm a nurse because I won't have the time and energy for it. And because the ward is always short-staffed (imagine, it will be nearly one year since I resigned, but there is still no replacement for me), there would be little support for me in terms of scheduling. And I can't resign either, because no one will fund my education - and my life.

I'm not really expressive with myself or stylish, or whatever you call it. But I think nursing in the Philippines is too strict. We're not allowed to color our hair with brighter colors, not allowed colored underwears, hair should always be in a bun, only white leather shoes are allowed, big earrings, bracelets, and other jewelleries not allowed... and many more. I know and I understand why these rules are implemented, but I think that sometimes it's just too restrictive (well doctors are doing their rounds with just casual clothings - why do you have to be too strict to nurses?). One other issue is because of time restrictions - I am unable to pursue other interests (arts & crafts, cooking, programming, etc.) Well, before I entered the university, I was pretty sure that I am a fairly creative person. But now, it seems that all of the creative juices in my life had been extracted and sent to Mordor or somewhere.

Lastly, I live far away from the hospital that I was working at. Transportation fares are fine; however, it's the heavy traffic that will kill me. Imagine having to sit for 2-3 hours inside a cramped van before AND after your duty. And you're lucky if the airconditioning system works well, if not you'll have to learn how to access your transcendental mind or something just to let your thoughts wander while your body is squished like a sardine. I rented a dorm near the hospital, but my family just misses me too much (what I really wanted to say is that I really miss them). I know, it's hell everyday. It's like I'm sacrificing all that I have, just in order to stay in a job that I don't want, in order to prepare for a non-existent future.

5. Social circumstances.

What I wrote in my draft is "My ego will not allow me to continue working in a country wherein my efforts, passion, and profession are not appreciated." I graduated with a degree not just to serve as assistants to their revered doctors, but to practice my profession with passion and dignity. So I think that I will not be able to continue working in a country which undermines my role and responsibilities. Sure, there are still some patients and their families who appreciate us nurses and what we do, but there are just others who are especially rude to us. Imagine blaming us in everything that is wrong with their hospitalization even though in essence we have no part in it (billing, late doctors, no funds, unsuccessful/delayed procedures, medications not available in pharmacy, damaged hospital property, one working elevator for the hospital, etc.). I mean hey, we're just doing our job, we are even doing the extra mile for you just to help with the problem, so why be rude to us? And the painful part is when they are shouting at us, but when the doctors/other perceived higher figure comes, they tuck their tails between their legs and talk to them in a soft voice, as if they are the kindest person in the world. I give up. It's just as if we are being treated as maids over there. Or even lower. And if we are the one's who have reached our limits, or did something wrong, or even just a perceived error in their part - but not really, it immediately goes to social media wherein all of your credibility will go down to drain.

So there, those are my reasons for leaving. I realized that I still experience some of the things that are in the list, but at least I am compensated well, I am able to save for my future, I am allowed to have lots of leaves if I wanted too, and I can take care of myself better. I sacrificed many things, but I think it's all worth it. And if I get tired here or get kicked out for whatever reason, I won't regret my decision of going here even one bit. One thing is for sure - I won't go back to being a staff nurse in the Philippines.

~oOo~

Tired Jane is tired. 😔

To a New Beginning

“But he did not understand the price. Mortals never do. They only see the prize, their heart's desire, their dream... But the price of getting what you want, is getting what you once wanted.” 

- Neil Gaiman, The Sandman

~oOo~

2017 had passed. And it was like a roller coaster ride for me. I was able to find a job here in UK, I was able to travel to some places, I was able to make new friends, and I had my heart broken, crushed, torn into a million pieces.

Our eight-year relationship had ended. I guess LDR didn’t work out well for us. Although I felt that I was the one cheated in this situation, looking at it objectively, both of us had our own share of mistakes.

I blame him mainly for not having a plan for our future, or at least having an interest on thinking about one. And he blames me for not having much time, sympathy, and understanding for him and and his career. I tried fixing the problem, but he won’t let me. So what else can I do? I’m already tired of thinking and planning for the both of us. And I can see that he already has someone else that he fancies. I’m an overly possessive person in nature, but I try to hide and control it as much as possible. But I don’t want to hold on to someone who wants to be free. So now I let him be.

I don’t even know if I’m writing much sense here. Three months had already passed and I think that I am slowly moving on. The first month is hell. I was always crying alone in my room. I had to fake a smile when I was with my friends, because I don’t want them to pity me. Because I am a self-proclaimed strong independent woman. I hated myself. “Am I not enough? Is there something wrong with me? Was it a mistake to go here?” I cannot sleep, since I always dreamed of him. I spent a third of my life with him, and it was gone in a blink of an eye. I had already imagined myself walking through the church aisle to him, having our own house, kids, car, cat, and whatever else a happy family has. Heck, we already even have a name for our child. But it seemed like he did not think much about those things. Have I been too demanding? I don’t know. He could’ve told me. We’re each other’s bestfriends and he could’ve told me.

But there’s no sense in thinking on what could have been. I just wish he’s happy now without me. I hope somone will take care of him better than me. I still love him, but not the way that I used to. I think I will continue to remember him for some time in every things and places that we used to do and go to. I have to move on, for me, my family, and him.

I am just thankful that I had my friends who supported me in that difficult moment of my life. I didn’t want my family to know that I was so devastated by what happened, I don’t want them to worry about me. I guess after all I’m just a little crybaby who wants someone to be with me.

Anyway, life goes on. I try to think of the advantages of being single. I can travel without worrying that he might get jealous of who I am with. I can spend more time with my friends and family. And instead of thinking about what’s good for the both of us, I can focus more on myself and what I want.

And so, I welcome 2018 with open arms. Please be good to me. Here's to a new year and new beginnings! 🍻🍾

At Cambridge, waiting for my forever. Chos! 

First Post from London

I’m back!

Or so I’d like to say. I suddenly had the energy since I called off-sick from work and I was able to rest for a week, but I don’t know if I would be able to update this regularly from now on. I think it’s already six years since I last updated this blog; and honestly, I never intended to write on this again. But stumbling upon these pieces of microhistories made me sentimental and inspired me to write again. Although I can’t promise that I can write about quality stories, I know that I will surely share things that are true and close to my heart. (And aside from that, I also want to practice my English XD)

There had been many changes in my life during these past 6 years and I’d like to share these in different parts (along with several pictures, because we're living in a digital world now!):

~oOo~

CAREER

About a decade ago, I dreamt of London. Of its various historical sites, the intricacies of its buildings and the stories behind them. Of its people, their curious accent and polite way of dealing with people. Of its weather, its four seasons as compared with the Philippines' mere summer and rainy seasons.

Five months ago, my dream came true. For the better or for the worse - that I still have to find out.

I worked for five years under the pay medical-surgical ward of the Philippine General Hospital, and although I can’t say that I had already seen all that is there to see and absorb all the knowledge there is to gain underneath its roof, I decided to end my toxic relationship with it. I don’t want to complain because I know that compared to other nurses working in private hospitals, our salary is relatively higher and we also have additional compensation most of the time. I don’t want to prolong this post by enumerating various reasons that led to my decision, and I would like to reserve it for another post. The bottom line is, I felt tired, I quit, I moved on.

Hello from the other side.

~oOo~

FAMILY

Thankfully, I still have a whole, complete, and happy family. I’m happy that me and my brothers are not fighting with each other, and if we do, it’s only about who is the most ugly or who is probably adopted amongst us. I am very blessed to have such caring and supportive brothers and mother.

We were also able to visit mother’s province, Aklan, twice since I last wrote on this blog. The place is such a beauty and we were also able to go to Boracay. Although it’s more commercialized now than the last time we visited, the white sand, bright blue ocean, and the beach heat still took my breath away. Aside from that, we’re also able to spend time with our relatives there and they prepared for us a lot of seafood dishes, which are all oh-so-heavenly-good. I’m looking forward to visiting again and I hope the next time our family will be more complete.

 Seafood party with relatives.

Me and Boracay

Family picture at Boracay.

The only notable thing that had been a problem over the past years is my mother’s kidney stone. It bothered her a lot and there are times when we had to bring her to the hospital because of the pain. However, last February, she decided to undergo partial nephrectomy and we gave her our full support. It tested our patience with one another and in a sense, our family’s bond. All of us had a role in our mother’s medical journey - from diagnosis to recovery - and I am really glad that we made it through that trial. As of the moment, my mother said that she is recovering just fine and her flank pain is not bothering her anymore.

 Mommy before going to the operating room.

 The culprits.

Thank you National Kidney and Transplant Institute for the top-notch service!

And of course how could I forget, I already have my nephew from Kuya Arthur. He is such a darling! Although he can be naughty and bratty at times, he is still such a sweet, witty, and energetic child. He calls me confidently by my first name sometimes. Such a cutie! I hope that when I return to the Philippines, he can still remember me.

 Isn't he a stud? ^_^

It can't be more obvious that I'm in love with this child. 

~oOo~

LOVE LIFE

Teddy.

Last picture before I left him. :(

Well, what more do I have to say? We managed to endure eight years with each other. I am still happy with him and I hope that he still feels the same with me, too. We’re pretty much stable and comfortable with each other right now. We're hopeful that we can overcome this LDR thing.

~oOo~

EDUCATION

Fear.

If I can describe my view on education right now, that would be it. When I was in high school, I thought that I can pass and graduate with flying colors in any course that I would take. I was that confident with myself before. I loved studying and if I had a choice back then, I would like to be a student forever.

However, Nursing happened. I was very traumatized with how I studied back then. Fear of failure, lack of sleep, intense pressure, some terror professors, and fast-paced lessons are only some of the reasons why I hated college. I conquered it, graduated on time, and passed the board exams; however, the fear of learning is still there. I know that how my college did their thing worked because I am a safe and effective nurse right now, and probably all of the other nurses who graduated in the same college. However, the psychological toll on me is so great that I didn’t want to take another step into my university.

I tried applying for Master of Science in Health Informatics in the hopes that I could overcome my fear. I was able to accomplish the written requirements for the course but problems with schedule made me admit defeat. You see, if you are a regular staff nurse, you don’t have enough time for rest, family, friends - and what more for studies? It might have been possible if I was allowed to go on permanent night duty while I am studying but it wouldn’t have been possible with the tight staffing in our ward. So I decided to give up and explore my other options - hence, London.

At least I tried. Thanks for the good recommendation anyway Ma'am A. 

I still don’t know if my fear for education is justifiable or if my chosen path is right. But at least now, I think that the NHS is very supportive in terms of learning opportunities in terms of trainings and seminars. However, I still have to find out if I can realize my dream of accomplishing that MSHI.

~oOo~

I think those are the major updates in my life for now. There are some ups and downs but I consider myself lucky since I was able to reach where I am now. Even though it’s tough, I’ll make sure that every sweat, every muscle ache, every tear drop, will be all worth it for my future.

Post-Graduation, Pre-Official Work Insights

Hoorah! So much time had passed since I last posted on this blog; it’s almost a year or so. And so much had also happened in my life. First, I had already graduated. Not just any course from any school. I finished BS Nursing in University of the Philippines Manila. Well, my previous posts show how hard my life had been until my third year college. I can say that the pressure still remained until fourth year, and with that, I can already feel the burn out that was hindering me from doing my best in my last year. But despite that, simple joys, enjoyments, and inspirations have fuelled me along the way. I thank my friends, my family, and my loved ones for supporting me and not giving up on me on my journey.

I admit that I had been a somewhat lazy student, if I would compare myself to my own definition of a good student. Yes, I submit requirements on time, I do not skip classes or duties, I take notes with beautiful drawings and hand writing, and I review my books and notes… I do everything that a good student does. But somehow, I feel that it is not enough. I feel that I could have done better. I feel that if I have tried hard enough, maybe I could have gotten that cum laude position in our batch, maybe I could have topped the board exam, maybe this, maybe that. I have always been close to achieving those, only close, but I do not achieve it.

When I entered college, I had been contented with doing good, but not doing my best, since I knew that even if I tried hard enough, others would still be better than me, and my hard work would amount to nothing. But I guess now, that is not true. Looking back, maybe if I only did my best, or pushed myself further, I could have been better, and achieved more. Those little things that I should have memorized, those little instances where I should volunteered to do something; those little things could have improved my knowledge and skills more.

But those things have already passed, and those moments were already gone. I am happy with the achievements that I had received; I graduated from a prestigious university, I graduated on time, I was able to maintain my scholarship, and I have no bad records for my entire stay in school. What I can do for now is to look forward and not repeat the same mistakes that I done. Maybe before, I was not able to love what I am doing, because I admit that I really do not love my chosen course. But now, I do not have a reason to not love my profession – it is a noble one, and I am much honored to be a part of it.

Now that I have also passed the Nursing Licensure Exam, and already a registered professional, I guess its now time to put my stocked knowledge into good use and apply it in real life. Well, not only the knowledge that I had gained inside the four corners of our classroom, but also the wisdom that I had acquired outside it. It’s now time to fix myself, set my goal, determine my priorities, and dream.

~oOo~

I think it had been my habit to post a picture after every blog post. And since this is my post-grad blog post, I would like to share this picture with everyone, especially the UP people. :p

4 and 93/100 down! :D

well, kaya may butal yan, dahil.. hindi pa ako tapos sa community. ahaha! kulang pa sa evaluation part. :p at dahil umalis nga si prof dones upang pumunta sa ibang bansa, mukhang hindi namin kagad malalaman kung pumasa nga kami o hindi. ohwell. bahala na si superbatman. sana ay makapasa kaming lahat. ^__^

ayun. bale ang duty namin ngayon ay community, sa pateros. kailangan naming mag-handle ng isang family na ang isang member ng pamilya ay may sakit na under sa napag-aralan na namin [oxygenation, fluid and electrolyte imbalance, reproduction, sexuality, hi-risk neonate]. at ang pinaka-basic/recommended na maaaring i-handle ay yung family na may hypertensive member at yung may TB. ohyes. at masuwerte naman ako na iyon nga ang mga nakuha ko. hehehe. ayun nga lang stroke patient yung sa hypertensive patient ko. pero keri lang. hehe.

ayun. mahaba kasi ang istorya ng aming kasiyahan at kalungkutan sa maricaban. pero sige, ikukuwento ko. hahaha. wala lang. for fun. :p

day 0 [sunday]: hindi pa namin duty, pero dahil excited ako, o ang mas tamang term eh kinakabahan, naghanap na ako ng patients ko. haha. nakakita ako ng posibleng hypertensive, asthma, at post kidney transplant patients. ngunit, lahat sila ay problema sa skedule at hidni ko mami-meet tuwing weekdays. siyempre hassle yun. kaya ayun, wala ring nangyari sa huli. haha. pero at least, nagkaroon ako ng momentum sa paghahanap. ;)

day 1 [monday]: salamat kay lors at nakahanap ako ng aking family na may hypertensive patient. ayun, dalawa lang silang oldies sa kanilang bahay, at masaya kasi pinapakain nila ako. hehe. siyempre masama namang tumanggi diba? hindi naman ako nagpapakita ng motibo para alukin/bigyan ako ng food eh. kaya yun. pero dahil sa sobrang daldal nila, IDB at onting NHH lang ang natapos ko. =___=

day 2 [tuesday]: itinuloy ko ang aking assessment sa aking HPN family. at nung magtatanghali na, pumunta kami sa Masikap Health Center para makakuha ng cases ng TB pxs. huwaw. they are like so rare. :)) nakuha na yung iba ng aming mga klasmeyt, at yung iba eh busy sa kanilang trabaho. >.< naka-interview naman ako, kaya lang yun nga, busy sa trabaho, so medyo alanganin... so nung hapon, naghanap ulit ako ng isa pang px, na sa pagkakataong ito ay isang hi-risk pregnancy. naging hi-risk siya kasi less than 18 yrs old lang siya pero...

day 3 [wednesday]: ...hindi pde yung hi-risk pregnancy. dahil yung age lang ang ikina-hi-risk niya. ang loser naman nun diba? saka 9 months na yung baby niya, so wala na akong masyadong magagawa para dun. ayaw ko namang magpa-anak ulit sa community diba? =___= yung sa TB eh, mukhang hindi rin pde, kasi nga magkokonflict ang mga sked namin. so ayun, kamusta naman at wala pa akong 2nd patient, at kinabukasan na ang pasahan ng aming papers. take note: FINAL PAPER!!! watda. kamusta naman yun. @-) so ayun, sinugod namin ang Masikap [kami ni nikki, kasi nga kami na lang ang wala pang 2nd px nung mga panahong yun]. at ayun, meron naman, pero nasa kabilang ibayo pa siya ng pateros, sa may border ng pateros at taguig. pero keri lang, para sa ikapapasa!!! wahaha. so ayun, buti na lang at mabait at masaya naman ang pamilya na napunta sa akin.. pero yung kay nikki...

day 4 [thursday]: ...hindi maganda. dahil ayaw nung tatay na magpainterview o kahit magpa-rinig man lang ng breath sound. at eto pa, pinagsabihan/pinagalitan kami sa may daanan, kung saan maraming tao ang tumatambay. >.< nakakaiyak talaga yun, ohwell, nakakaiyak nga kaya nag-iyakan kami ni nikki sa may tricyle, dahil 1. napahiya kami sa may daanan, at 2. paano na ang 2nd family ni nikki??? ayun, buti na lang at medyo nagkaroon ng paraan, kaya medyo umayos naman. at oo nga pala, ngayon ang pasahan ng FINAL PAPER for BOTH FAMILIES. hehe. parteeey. :)) kaya ayun, naki-stay ako sa dorm ni nikki upang gumawa ng papeles, super overdrive yun. grabe. sana hindi na ulit maulit yun sa buong buhay ko. pero mukhang mangyayari pa rin yun habang nasa nuring ako. ahaha. :p

day 5 [friday]: walang duty, dahil 4 days lang dapat ang duty. kaya ayun, inayos ko lang ang mga papeles ko kahit alam kong hindi na siya ipapa-pass ulit. ahehe. :p

day 6 [saturday]: siyempre, nakakahiya naman sa mgaa grupmates ko sa 119, so ayun pumunta ako ng pateros para sa 119. pero nag half day ako para maassess yung iba pang family member nung sa TB px ko. ayun lang. hehe. :p

day 7 [tuesday]: hindi na ko pumunta nung sunday at monday, dahil ubos na ang physical, mental, emotional, at kahit anu pang types ng energy na meron ako. :)) so ayun, tuesday na naman. home visit ko na to! o diba ang bibbo kid ko, nagpa-home visit ako kagad. hahaha. yung pina-home visit ko kay mam ay yung TB patient ko. :D buti na lang talaga at masayahin at makuwento yung pamilya ko dun, at mukhang naging maganda naman ang kinalabasan, altho may iba akong pagkukulang at pagkakamali, keri lang. hehehe. :D

day 8 [wednesday]: bumalik ako sa TB px ko para ituloy ang aking interventions. yosh! :D

day 9 [thursday]: ako nagsimula na ng aking interventions sa aking HPN. ayun, alam niyo naman, madaldal sila, kaya medyo nagtagal ako dun. hahaha. pero keri lang. :D medyo may hindi laang ako natapos kasi hindi naman talaga katapos-tapos yun nung araw na iyon, at sa monday/tuesday ko pa matatapos yun. :D

day 10 [friday]: achievement exam!!! ohmaygaligawd. medyo mahirap yung test, kasi hindi ako masyado nakapagaral kasi gumawa ako ng progress notes na hindi ko rin naman napasa kasi hindi ko pa tapos yung evaluation ko. ang loser talaga nun. =__= pero ok lang, nag-UBE naman kami pagkatapos! yay! [sori walang picture, wala akong dalang cam eh. >.<] at ito ang pinakagusto kong UBE kasi sa karate kid kami, na sa tingin ko ay ang pinakamura na sa lahat ng pinag-UBE-han namin at ang pinakanabusog ako. :D [unlimited rice + unlimited iced tea banzai!] hahaha. :p at nung hapon eh mas sumaya pa ako. :p

haha. ayun. maaksiyon ang community duty. malungkot minsan. masaya. nakakatawa. nakakaiyak. at mami-miss ko ang pagpapahinga sa mansion ni dean tuazon dun [c/o lors], ang 21 Php na sulit na burger ng buns and burger, ang mahal na tricycle fare lalo na kung mag-isa ka lang sasakay, ang pag-commute papuntang pateros, ang paggamit sa sira kong community shoes [yes. sira na siya. at hindi ko mapalitan kasi wala akong time na bumili. >.<], sa mga pamilya ko na napakasaya, at marami pang iba. pero alam mo yun, napaka-fulfilling pag natapos mo na, lalo na kung ang CI mo eh si mam dones. hehehe. pero ayun nga, hindi pa kami tapos. so hindi pa buo yung sense of fulfillment na ito. :p

~oOo~

HINDI PA TAPOS ANG MEDPAPER KO. at ang masaklap dun, nung friday pa ang pasahan niya. at ang pinakamasaklap pa, may minus 2 sa bawat araw na ma-late, including weekends and holidays. aargh. nakakainis talaga. bakit ba kasi tumapat yun sa community duty namin? at bakit ba kasi naapaka-lupit namn ni sir arnold para hindi kami bigyan ng extension. huhuhu... at ayun nga. inuuna ko paito kaysa gumawa ng medpaper. hehehe. nice. :D at bukas [or rather mamaya] ay pupunta kaming pateros para sa 119 namin. heheh. goodluck na lang sakin. :D

~oOo~

wahahaha. nasa episode 11 na ako ng season 2 ng melancholy of haruhi suzumiya!!! wahaha!!! ok naman siya. pero nakakainis talaga yung episodes 2 to 9 eh. argh. sayang sa airing time [tama ba?] ayun. hehehe. gusto ko sana maglagay ng spoiler kaya lang.. ;))

~oOo~

masaya ako nung friday. at maraming salamat dun sa taong nagpasaya sa akin. hehe. :D
suwerte nga ba talaga ako at saktong sakto na si haruhi ang nakuha natin sa capsule? :p
at malungkot, masaya, at maganda yung UP. at mas magandaa kasi kasama kita nanuod. hehehe. ;))

~oOo~

may ishe-share na lang ulit akong picture. isa na ba itong hobby na magshare ng picture sa dulo ng blog entry? :))

four down. and the worst is still to come.

yay! tapos na rin kami sa ward 9. hehe. medyo nag-break-down ako dun ah. pero keri lang. hehehe. :p

ayun. feel ko, yun yung pinakatoxic na ward namin as of now. para sa akin ah. dalawa kasi yung pasyente na naibigay sa akin ni sir. tapos yung dalawa eh ginawan ko ng papers. tapos kelangan talaga nilang bantayang dalawa ng maigi. at dahil med paper ay dun, kelangan ng malaking pagtitiyaga sa pagkopya ng chart, na sobrang kapal dahil ang tagal nang andun nung pasyente ko. tapos humalo pa yung problema sa bahay. tapos parang ang sungit pa ni sir. ahaha. :p pressure talaga yun eh. :p

pero ok naman. sana lang eh magawa ko yung med paper ng maayos. at sana ay matapos ko siya ng maaga. ^___^

ahm. ayun. at dahil natapos namin ang ward 9 at magsisimula na ang aming community, nag-UBE na naman kami! haha. mga adik sa UBE. although 6 anim lang kaming members ng group na nakasama [ako, dave, nikki, kuya mix, lors, koi]. ayun, dun kami sa momo. ok naman siya. malaki ang servings. yun nga lang, medyo hindi ko na-type-an yung in-order namin ni nikki. basta yun, baka mapili lang talaga ako. :p

yikee. may group kami, kahit kulang. :p

at saka... wala ba talagang may kakilala diyan ng mga TB patients??? hahaha. sa pateros. :p grabe kinakabahan na ako. sana talaga maging ok lang ang dalawang linggo namin dun. >.< ahaha. :p waaaaahhhhh~~~

ayun. at dagdag pa sa isipan itong mga test sa GE subject. GRABE. natapat pa talaga sila sa community namin. =____= ang sama ng timing.

~oOo~

grabe. feel ko ang GC ko. GC naman talaga ako. ahaha. puro tungkol sa school at duty ang pino-post ko dito. @_@ eh kasi naman, dun lang naman umiikot ang buhay ko at nauubos ang lahat ng oras ko. bwiset. kung pwede lang sana ako magkuwento dito tungkol sa isang magandang anime o tungkol sa isang magandang laro eh ginawa ko na. >.< pero hindeeeeee... huhuhu. >.<

~oOo~

ayun. haaaaayyy. ang lungkot naman ng buhay. lalo na kung hindi mo masyado gusto ang mga pinaggagawa mo. nakakainis. nakakaubos ng enerhiya. para bang hindi nre-refill ang iyong energy stores kahit matulog ka sa weekend ng pagkatagal-tagal. kasi hindi lang naman pisikal na enerhiya yung nauubos sa yo. at siyempre, alam mo na kung ano yung ibang enerhiya na yun na nauubos sayo. =_____=

this is. depressing. T_T

ang laki ng problema ko. alam kong sa sarili ko, ayaw kong makihalubilo sa tao. hanggat maaari, mas gusto kong mag-isa lang ako. makakatagal ako sa isang araw ng hindi kinakausap at hindi pinapansin. pero sobrang mahirap sa akin ang kumausap sa mga tao, lalo na kung ako ang magsasalita. nararamdaman ko yung feeling na parang nakakapagod, ang bigat sa kalooban, at yung nawawala yung konsentrasyon mo sa kausap mo at sa pinag-uusapan niyo. SHAKS. hindi pwede ito. kelangang baguhin ko na ito. kasi hindi to puwede sa kurso ko ngayon. >.< hindi ako makakakuha ng magandang rapport, NHH, at makakapag-intervene ng maayos kung bagsak ang communication skills ko. huhu. anu bang sagot para dito??? ewan. =___=

hindi ako sanay nang gumagawa na hindi ko alam kung anong patutunguhan. pero kailangan kong masanay. dahil yun na ang buhay ko ngayon. @_@

~oOo~

parang ang daming kailangang gawin. parang napakakulang sa oras. bakit yung mga tao nung sinaunang panahon, hindi ganito ka-toxic. nakakainis. napakasimple lang naman ng pangarap ko, ang mabuhay ng masaya at maayos. pero bakit parang ang hirap makamtan nun??? haaaayyyy.. kelangan ko ng inspirasyon. ng isang konkretong rason kung bakit kailangan kong gawin yung mga ginagawa ko ngayon, kung may silbi nga ba sila, kung may patutunguhan nga ba sila. hindi ko alam. ang gulo ng isip ko. inaantok na ako. baka sapat na pahinga lang ang sagot dito. which is imposible.

~oOo~

K,

hindi ko alam na ganun lang pala kababaw yung pagkakaibigan natin. pero sorry kasi alam ko may kasalanan ako sa'yo. pero may kasalanan ka rin sakin. pero baka ganito lang talaga ang natural na mangyari kasi nga ganito ang ugali ko, at ganyan ang ugali mo. talagang hindi tayo mag-uusap niyan. pero alam mo namang kahit gaano ka ka-toxic, o kahit gaano ako ka-toxic, gagawa ako ng paraan para sumaya ka kahit konti. pero baka hindi mo lang alam yun. o baka hindi ako effective na entertainer/artist. at siguro nga hindi talaga tayo close friends. ewan. pero kahit ganun, andito pa rin naman ako kung kailangan mo ng tulong. kasi kaibigan mo ako. pero baka hindi na para sa yo. hay. as if naman mababasa mo to. haha. :p

communication is two way.. :)

~oOo~

ahaha. kung kilala niyo si sorata at arashi, baka matuwa kayo dito. :p wala lang. :p

three down. med paper next. @_@

tapos na rin kami sa IMU. oh yes. salamat ma'am len para sa iyong napakabuting pag-CI sa aming grupo. ^___^

ayun. dapat talaga IMU kami. ngunit dahil sadyang kaunti lamang ang mga pasyente sa IMU [8 beds, at nung dumating kami eh 6 lang ang patient], 3 kaming napunta sa ward 15. ayun. pero ok naman, kasi kung nung duty namin dun last, last sem eh puro normal cases lang yung hinandle namin, yung pinahandle na sa amin ngayon eh yung mga "UNDEL" at yung may "*" sa tabi ng pangalan nila. ayun. tinatamad na akong magkuwento dahil...

nakakapagod magpateros. grabeeeehhh. sobraaaaa. at wala pa kami masyado nagagawa nun ah. pero marami rami na rin pala yun. ang init kasi kanina ung dumating kami kaya nakaka-drain ng energy. tapos ayun, nilibot namin ang aming area para sa mga dapat naming gawin. bale halos 4 hours akong naglakad mula nung tumapak ako dun kanina hanggang sa makauwi ako ng bahay. kasi naman, naiwan ko yung baon kong pera sa bahay. edi ayun, purdoy. naglakad na lang ako pauwi. =____= [siyempre hindi yun galing from pateros, mula MRT lang naman yun. pero malayo pa rin eh. >.<]

isang shot mula dun sa pateros na proud ako kasi mahirap siyang kuhaan. note the motorcycle man. "kuya, wag kang tumingin, baka mabangga ka! :))"

ayun...

pero ayun, bago ang lahat, maraming salamat kay kuya mix sa panlilibre samin nung thursday after ng ward class namin! yey! you're soooo good. ^_^ ahehehe. advanced happy birthday na rin. :)

ako at si kuya mix, ang berdey boy [wala pala kaming group pic. ahaha. :)) anu ba yan. :)) ]

bale ayun, ang susunod naming patutunguhan eh sa pedia [ward 9], kay sir peralta. waw. sana maging ok lang kami dun. at sana maging maayos ang med paper na gagawin namin dun. bale ganito kasi yun. ang pasahan ng med paper eh two weeks ata after the duty. peroooo... ang two weeks namin after that duty eh... COMMUNITY! at hindi lang basta community. COMMUNITY kay PROF. DONES! huwah. ohwell. this is a challenge. hehe. balita ko nga eh baka hindi kami puwede mag-extend kasi aalis ata siya after naming magcommunity [hindi katulad kay mam villarta dati na sobrang nagextend kami kasi bumalik naman siya kagad pagkatapos. :p]. ayun. sana kayanin namin to. KELANGANG KAYANIN! MWAHAHAHA!!! GO SPARTA!!! WAHAHAHA!!! [nabaliw na. :))] ohwell. wala pa naman yun. ayaw ko munang aksayahin ang psychologic energy [may ganun ba? :)) ] sa pag-iisip nun. ayokong mangyari na naman yung nangyari sa kin last last sem. hehe. :p

pero kung may kilala kayo diyan na family na maaari para sa community, sabihin at i-refer niyo naman sakin. >.< mukhang nagkakaubusan na eh. ahaha. :p pero seryoso yun. >.<

~oOo~

kaka-test lang pala namin kanina sa N119 kanina. ahmmm. ok lang naman siya. ok lang naman hulaan. ahaha. :)) ewan ko kung ano mangyayari dun. sana umepekto ang magic ng gtech. ahaha. :p

~oOo~

salamat sa isang tao diyan sa pagpapasaya sakin nitong mga nakaraang araw. hehehe. ;)) alam mo naman kung sino ka diba? :p salamat talaga. :)

~oOo~

bale ayun. tinatamad na talaga akong mag-post kasi napapagod na ako. ahaha. iiwanan ko na lang muna dito ang picture ng aking not-so-secret-but-special place. ahaha. meh ganun. :))

two down. [and still a lot more to go. @_@]

ward 2 is soooo finished. \:D/

ayun. at tapos na ang grup D sa 105 sa ward 2 [surgery ward]. at tapos na rin ang aming physical exam kay ma'am manahan. hoooraaaahhhh!!!! :D

anu bang nangyari dun.. hindi naman toxic sa ward 2, siguro sa unang araw lang, kasi nagbagsakan ang papers nang kinagabihan nun. hehe. at pagkatapos eh hindi kami natutukan masyado ni ma'am sa aming duty kasi nga siya ang nag-check ng aming technique for physical exam. at muntik na nga kaming hindi matapos kasi nga kinulang kami sa araw. [wala kasing pasok nung wednesday. dahil kay cory. condolence. and we lab you. ^:)^] ayun. :p mabait naman si ma'am manahan. labyu ma'am. mwaaah. ang galing galing mo. medyo bangag nga lang ako dun sa test nung ward class, kaya nagkaroon ako ng gross mistakes. haha. ohwell, bahala na si superbatman. :p

medyo lumilipad rin yung utak ko nung duty. at kahit hindi duty. hanggang kaninang pumunta kaming pateros. at lagi akong may nalilimutan/naiiwanan/may mga times na hindi ako maayos kausap. @-) hindi maaari ito. FOCUS JANE. FOCUS. @-)

hindi ko alam kung pwedeng ikuwento dito, pero sige kukuwento ko na lang. wala namang masyadong nagbabasa nito eh. :)) ang case kasi ng pasyente ko dun ay flame burn, 40%. at siya ay isang 18 y/o pa lang. at dahil siya nasunog ay dahil sa isang hindi maiiwasang pangyayari sa kaniyang trabaho. TRABAHO. oo nagta-trabaho na siya. at oo nakakaguilty, kasi sa murang edad niya eh nagta-trabaho na siya at tumutulong na siya sa pagbuhay sa pamilya niya [wala pa naman siyang asawa. pamilya in this case = mother + father + 8 siblings]. ayun. at naaksidente pa siya dahil sa trabaho niya. [pero buti na lang at ang employer niya ang may sagot sa pagpapagamot sa kaniya.] ayun, nakakaguilty kasi habang siya ay nagtatrabaho, ang mga masusuwerteng batang katulad ko ay nag-aaral, nagne-net, at nagpapaka-sarap sa buhay [though hindi naman talaga masarap ang buhay ko], at ano ang igaganti ko sa buhay? pagsisisi at pagmamaktol. tsk tsk tsk.

ayun. alam ko na naman dati pa yun. pero minsan eh may mga bagay na nalilimutan ko dahil sa sobrang hirap na idinudulot ng studies ko. pero sana nga naiisip ko na mas masuwerte ako ng hindi hamak sa nakakarami sa mga tao sa mundong ito. >.< [pero suwerte nga ba ako. wahaha. :p]

ohwell. sana maisip ko rin ito pag nagcocommunity ako. wahaha. :)) para magkaroon ako ng lakas na hindi sumuko sa anu mang panlalait na maaaring ibato sa akin. dun pa naman ako mahina. :))

ang susunod na ward eh kay ma'am iellamo. sana maging ok lang naman ako dun. ok lang naman daw eh. :p

~oOo~

ahhhmmmm. ayun na yung tungkol sa duty. ahaha. anu pa bang maaaring makuwento dito. ahehehe. ayun. medyo nakakalungkot. kasi, wala lang. merong may birthday ngaung buwan. :)) gusto ko sana siyang batiin sa araw ng birthday niya, o ibigay yung regalo ko sa kaniya, kaya lang hindi ko magawa. kasi ayoko ng gumagawa ako nang para sa wala. para sa isang taong hindi ko na kilala. wahaha. ewan. hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. >.<

at bukod dun, may isa pang bagay na gumugulo sa isipan ko. wahaha. ewan ko kung maniniwala pa ako sa paniniwala ko na walang tama o maling desisyon, blah blah. argh. kasi if everything is relative, then we cannot be critical, sabi ni ma'am baustista na prof namin sa hum. ewan. =____= hindi ko na talaga alam kung anong gagawin. >.<

~oOo~

[snapshot mula sa "Sad Movie" [2005] si snow white yung mascot. haha. :)) ]

teka, may naalala lang akong i-share. trivia ito. ahaha. :)) badong na trivia. :p

"You know why none of the Dwarves hooked up with Snow White? They couldn't tell her how they felt. Not one! They were all ashamed of being dwarves. In fact... In fact, Snow White had a thing for short guys. When the Prince dismounted from his horse, he was goddamned... uh... really short. This is a secret, but actually he was the youngest.The eight, who was adopted away...." - seven dwarves from the "Sad Movie"

at saka isang quote. :)

"You know why the bitchy queen died so miserably? She was tricked by the mirror! When you look at your sweetheart, you don't look with a mirror, you look with your heart..." - - seven dwarves from the "Sad Movie"

ahehe. pero minsan hindi mo talaga maiiwasan na gayahin ang pagkakamali ng queen... :|

ewan. ahaha. sige, sana masundan ko pa itong blog entry pagkatapos namin sa IMU. ^___^

ja! :)

one down ^_~

ito ay isang hapit na blog entry ng pagbubunyi. :))

oh yes. tapos na kaming group D sa NICU!!! yey. ang CI namin dun ay si Ma'am at napakabait niya. :D sana lahat na lang ng CI ay katulad niya: nagpapatulog ng estudyante. :)

hehehe. ayun, ok lang naman sa NICU. feel ko benign na siya compared sa ibang wards [and their respectives CIs. hehehe. :D] kaya OA lang ako sa pagbubunyi kong ito. pero ayun nga, sana ma-maintain ko yung tinuro sa min ni ma'am tejero: matulog. dahil ito ay importante para sa amin at sa aming mga pasyente.

matagal na naman naming alam yun, pero ako, ngayon lang akong na-pressure na isabuhay yun kasi sinabi niya. ahaha. not enough sleep, no duty. hehehe. panalo talaga. :D

well, bukod dun. masaya sa NICU. lalo na pag kapiling mo ang mga babies. ang ku-kyut nila. ^__^ yun nga lang eh may mga sakit sila. at kaya kami andun ay para tumulong sa pag-aalaga nila. :D at feel ko ok naman ang pag-aalaga namin kasi feel namin lahat ay bumuti naman ang kalagayan nila mula nung first day namin sa kanila. at yung akin nga eh napunta sa NICU 2 nung last day ko na. :D [sa NICU 3 kasi kami nag-duty. sa NICU 2, dun inililipat yung mas hinding malalang case. :) ] kaya ayun.

ngayon, ang susunod namin ay... ward 2 kay ma'am manahan. wahaha. sana ay maging maganda ang performance ko run. sa kanya pa naman yung PE namin. hehe. kaya ngayon ay nakikipag-close ako kay Bates para ipamana niya sa akin ang kanyang kaalaman. :D

o siya. may date pa kami ni Bates. ahaha.

ja!

P.S. may goal na pala ako sa buhay ngayon. at ito ay ang...

maka-ngiti ako ng ganito pagkatapos ng sem. :p ahehehe. short term lang muna, para hindi pressure tuparin. yey! :D[ang pic ay mula sa The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, episode 9. ^___^ ]

N105 finals at iba pa

isa itong common na blog entry tungkol sa mga tests at sa mga paghihirap na kaakibat nito at ang epekto nito sa isang simpleng mag-aaral. ^___^

huwaw. tapos na namin ang finals para sa isa naming major subject -- N105. at ayun, ok lang naman siya. as usual. madali lang.

madali lang hulaan.

ahahaha. :)) hindi rin eh. yung isang part ng exam eh may "identification". at hindi lang siya simpleng "identification". bonggang bonggang identification siya. @_@

ayun. basta hindi niyo maiintindihan. >.< basta ang alam ko, tapos na ang finals. at sa friday eh may removals para sa mga hindi makakapasa sa theoretical portion ng N105. ayun nga pala. theoretical portion lang. dahil ang gagawin namin para sa mga susunod na araw ay ang mag-duty/clinicals. yeeessss. ito na to. at pinapangalangin ko na sana eh hindi ako bumagsak sa clinicals part. dahil dun mataas ang mortality rate ng mga students na nagte-take ng N105. >.<

pero hindi naman makapasa lang ang goal ko. sana pagkapasa ko ng N105 eh malapit na ako sa pagiging isang pro na student nurse. kasi, nung nagdu-duty ako nung last last sem, nakaka-bilib talaga yung mga fourth year na nakasabay naming mag-duty eh. napaka-pro na nila. sana maging kagaya ako nila. :)

ayun. at dahil nga katatapos lang ng finals kanina, nag-UBE [ultimate bonding experience] kami ng N105 group D kanina. grabe, sobrang naubusan ako ng pera dun eh. hindi ako nakapaghanda. ahaha. :)) pero ok lang. masaya naman eh. :p tapos, pagkatapos ng klase sa CAS eh nanuod kami ng Harry Potter 6 ni rina. ok lang naman siya. pero ang saya ng panunuod namin kasi ang kukulit namin. ahaha. :)) tuwang tuwa kami kay ron, sa stalker niyang si lavender, kay emo malfoi, kay lucky harry, at kay snape [may isang seen siya dun na ka-porma niya si batman. :)) ] ayun, basta natuwa at natawa kami. ahahaha. :))

ayun. gusto ko pa sana magkuwneto ng mahaba eh. kaya lang inaantok na ako. >.<

at ayun nga pala, kahit super late na, salamat sa lahat ng mga bumati nung birthday ko. at salamat sa lahat ng gifts!!! special mention sina:

teddy - sa mechpen na hindi ko pa nakikita at natatanggap. ahahaha. :)) ok lang. its the thought that counts. :)

rina, jen, makoi, jerome, angelo, rene, at macky - sa kanilang regalo na shakugan no shana figurine. HUWAAAHHH!!! maraming salamat talaga. :) naka-display na siya dito sa bahay namin ngaun. :)) pero saka na lang yung pictorial ko nun. :p

ayun. yung iba eh galing na dito sa pamilya ko. ahaha. :p

sige tinatamad na talaga ako mag-type. kailangan ng matulog. yeeeeeeesssssss... ang pinakaasam-asam na tulog... ^__^

type. type. type.

at ako ay naririto ngaun at nagta-type, sa halip na nag-aaral.

ewan. depressed ako ngaun. parang wala akong ginagawang tama. at parang wala akong iniisip na tama. parang kahit anung pilit kong mag-aral ay hindi ako makapag-aral. third-year syndrome ba ito, ayon sa iba? ewan. kung ano man yun.

parang ayaw ko nang mag-aral. o parang hindi bagay sakin yung course na pinili ko. o baka hindi ko lang talaga siya mahal. ewan. kasi parang mas gusto ko pang gumawa ng ibang bagay. at parang nawawalan na ako ng interes sa mga subjects ko. kasi parang feel ko kulang yung oras na binibigay sakin para mag-aral at mabuhay. o kaya naman, baka naman hindi talaga kaya ng utak ko. ayaw ko kasi nang pinipilit yung sarili ko sa hindi ko naman dapat kalagyan.

at saka, hindi lang naman sa ayaw ko nang mag-aral. parang ayaw ko na ring mabuhay. kasi, parang ang futile eh. iikot naman ang mundo kahit wala ako. matutuloy namang mabuhay ang mga tao kahit wala ako. naisip mo na bang andami-daming tao sa mundo, at ang mundo ay napakaliit lang kumpara sa ibang planets sa solar system, at napakaliit lang ng solar system kumpara sa buong universe, at ikaw ay napaka-insignificant. kahit mawala ka, siguro magugulo ang balance ng bagay-bagay. pero dahil sa sobrang napaka-insignificant mo, maaayos din agad ang balance na iyon, at ang system ay mababalik na ulit sa equilibrium in no time.

at siguro, may malulungkot naman kung mawala ako. pero sandali lang naman yun. malilimutan rin naman nila ako. at mabubuhay sila. at mamamatay rin sila. at malilimutan rin sila.

ang futile ng buhay. kasi kamatayan din naman yung ending niya. kahit anong gawin mo, hindi na magbabago yun. eh anu naman kung maging masaya o malungkot ka, lilipas din naman yun. eh anu naman kung matatatak yun sa alaala mo, eh mamatay ka naman. eh anu naman kung alalahanin ka ng mga naiwan mo, eh hindi ka naman nila mabubuhay. at mamamatay din sila. at mamamatay ang mundo.

so yun. ang nasa isip ko ngayon. kung bakit nawawalan ako ng ganang mag-aral. kasi kahit maghirap ako ngayon, maghihirap pa rin naman ako sa hinaharap. at kahit maghirap ako, insignificant din naman yung paghihirap ako sa paglipas ng panahon. at marami pang iba. ewan. ano bang gamot dito? parang wala akong dahilan/inspirasyon sa kahit anong gawin ko. kasi nga wala rin siyang kuwenta. kasi mababaon lang siya sa limot at mapupunta sa wala.

ewan ko. ang tagal na nitong nasa isip ko. at pinapatay ako nito unti unti. parang isa na lang akong katawang walang kaluluwa. isang robot na nasira ang naka-input na dapat gawin niya. ewan.

bakit ba kasi naimbento ang buhay...

[open ako sa MATINONG advice. ^__^]

too tired.

too tired
of thinking
of looking for meaning
behind the everyday happenings
behind your every actions
behind all the things that you had done
behind all the things that I had noticed
about you
behind you
always behind you
too tired
of being behind you
of looking for you
of waiting for you
to look for me
to look at me.

bakasyon update + wishlist. ^_^

update sa aking bakasyon, kasi malapit na siyang matapos. ^_^


[X] manood ng X
[X] manood ng blood +
[ ] maglaro ng final fantasy VII
[ ] tapusin ang tales of destiny
[X] manood ng movies (L change the world, naruto shippuuden movie 2 at iba pang ma-da-download ko)
[> ] matapos i-drawing yung mag-iisang taong regalo ko kay ____
[X] ayusin ang mga online acc ounts ko (friendster, multiply, etc.)
[X] magpaka-OC dito sa bahay
*yung [> ], ibig sabihin, halos kalahati na. ; )

ohwell. hindi ko na natapos yung FF VII at Tales of Destiny kasi nasira bigla yung pc namin. nakakainis. >_____< lagpas 24 hours na ata pa naman yung playing time ko dun, o mas marami pa [sinabi ko naman na lagpas diba? oh, whatever.] yung sa regalo, ipa-finalize ko na lang. WAHAHAHA!!! after one year!!! ohyesssss~~~ ayun, so bukod sa mga iyon, may iba pa akong na-accomplish. :D

[X] mag-enroll, at hindi ma-underload
[> ] manuod ng kuroshitsuji
[> ] manuod ng tsubasa
[X] makagala kahit onti lang
[X] basahin ang manga ng naruto at bleach hanggang sa latest episode
[X] matulog, magpuyat, at magpakasaya. :)

ayun. takot kasi akong gumala dahil sa A (H1 N1) na yan. bwiset. ahaha. :)) tapos, grabe, kahit sobrang kaunti lang ng nagawa ko kasi ng nasira ung pc namin, ok lang. kasi nakapagpahinga ako. IT'S A BLESSING!!! sobra. na-miss ko talagang matulog ng matulog at magpuyat ng magpuyat ng walang iniisip na deadline. ohwell, sinubukan ko namang mag-aral, kaya lang andami niya eh, kaya bigla akong tinamad. ahaha. bahala na si superbatman. :D

tapos, dahil sa gumagawa na rin ako ng mga listahan dito, gagawa na rin ako ng wishlist ko ^___^

[ ] kahit isa dun sa dalawang malaking action figure ni shana na nakita namin sa comic alley rob. gusto ko talaga magkaroon nun... gusto ko~~~
[ ] isang book. kahit ano, basta magustuhan ko. :D
[ ] isang headphone na nagbu-boom, gusto ko yung may lalagyanan para hindi madaling masira. wahaha. :D
[ ] isang anime merchandise na matutuwa ako na parang ganito: \:D/ [i-type niyo sa ym! para ma-appreciate niyo \:D/]
[ ] book sa medsurg [brunner ang author] [HAHAHAHAHA!!!! :)) mahal kasi eh. :p ]
[ ] cookies o kahit anung ni-bake ng CL ko. ;;)
[ ] ICHIKON. hehehe. :D o kahit si mokona na lang. o kahit sinong cute na huggable anime stuffed toy. :D
[ ] laptop. ;))
[ ] sana hindi na kumalat si A (H1 N1) at sana ay magawa na ang vaccine at gamot para dun ^_^
[ ] worldwide peace and happiness \m/

ahehe. yung iba naman eh siguradong makakamtan ko. [tulad ng pizza (hawaiian) at chocolate cake]. ahehehe. :D yung iba siguro, baka nakalimutan ko. pero kahit bati siguro ok na lang. basta galing sa puso <3. hindi naman kasi ako naghanda ng bonggang bongga kaya hindi ako nage-expect ng gift. dahil ganito ang debut na gusto ko, sooooo simple. parang ordinaryong araw lang. :)

ayun. sana maging maganda ang araw niyo. at ang araw ko. ahaha. :p

ja! :)

tralalalalalala~~~

nilagay ko ito sa "About Me" part ng friendster ko. gusto ko rin sanang ilagay sa welcome box dito sa multiply, kaya lang parang masyadong epal. ahahaha. ayun. wala lang. shinare ko lang. :p

~oOo~



There are a lot things about me that I want you to know, but I don’t know if you want to know about it. So if you want to know more about it, just ask me. I’ll just write here what I cannot say in front of other people or what I think people would not have thought of asking about me.

I like people who agree with me, but I like better those people who have the guts/will to correct me and teach me new things.

I like abstract things, thoughts, and ideas. They make me feel that anything and everything in this world is not predetermined, that nothing is absolute, and my future is still to be made by me.

I have a little bit inferiority complex, but I’m trying my best to think that each person has his/her own talent/s and his/her own way of doing things. Even I could have a special role for the earth’s benefit. However, I know that this is not excuse for me to slack off and just accept that other people are better than me. On the contrary, it gives me more reason to hone my skills and improve my talents (if there are any).

I am an introvert. I often want to be left alone. I find it hard to communicate with other people and make new friends. I could not express what I really feel in front of the people that I love. But I really treasure those people, and if you feel that you’re one of them, I want you to be happy because I love you.

If I really, really want something, I will use everything within my reach and I will do everything that I can do to get it, but of course, without hurting other people (that much >:D ). I also have this inner desire to please everybody, which is really annoying. Sometimes, I just don’t know when to stop. And it takes several words from the people close to me before I can bring to a halt what I am doing or thinking.

I only have one wish. For me to be happy as long as the people around me are not sad. Even though these words are easy to say, they can be barely achieved, because there’s just no way for everybody to be happy.

But pressure often changes a person. One or all of the description here about me today may not be applicable tomorrow. But I know that one thing is sure, that no matter how much change will occur to me, to the people around me, and to the things around me, I know that I am Jane. And I will not exchange anything about me for anything about this world.



Because I love myself. :)


[Heh. Some parts are so abstract. And I love it. ;) ]

bakasyon: isang natupad na pangarap

"totoo pala ang bakasyon... akala ko sa fairy tales lang siya mababasa..." -teddy

ohyes. at sa wakas. bakasyon ko na nga. :D pagkatapos ng ilang buwan na paghihintay. ^___^
at ngayon ay 2:00 am. maaga pa naman kaya gagawa muna akong blog entry. hehehe. :D

ayun, ang mga pinagkakaabalahan ko ngaung bakasyon na ito ay:

[X] manood ng X
[> ] manood ng blood +
[> ] maglaro ng final fantasy VII
[ ] tapusin ang tales of destiny
[ ] manood ng movies (L change the world, naruto shippuuden movie 2 at iba pang ma-da-download ko)
[ ] matapos i-drawing yung mag-iisang taong regalo ko kay ____
[ ] ayusin ang mga online acc ounts ko (friendster, multiply, etc.)
[> ] magpaka-OC dito sa bahay
*yung [> ], ibig sabihin, halos kalahati na. ; )

napakalupit ng tadhana sapagkat lubhang kulang ang halos isang linggong bakasyon para magawa ko ang lahat ng ito.

so ayun, ok naman ung summer ko [sana, kasi wala pang grades eh]. kahit medyo tinoxic namin ang aming mga sarili eh ok lang. maraming salamat tlaga sa mga kasabay kong kumuha ng stat ngayong sem, lalong lalo na kina jen, rina, makoy, angelo, teddy, at rene. wohooooo! labyu ol guys! :D

[ang hirap pala mag-type sa onscreen keyboard. sira kasi ung keyboard namin, kaya yun. :p]

ahmmm, sa totoo lang, walang gana akong mag-blog ngaun kasi ang hirap mag-type/pindot. kaya sa susunod na lang. ahehehe. maraming mga abstract na bagay ang gumugulo sa nagbabakasyon kong isipan. ahahaha. cge.

ja!

wala lang.

i hate einstein.

i hate february 20.

i hate makati.

i hate ateneo.

i hate ma'am _ _ _ _ _.

i hate harry potter [and fred].

because they are obviously superior than me.

because you love them.

because i love you.

but not me.

because i am not these things.

and will never be.

stat lab. baha. n12. comm.

yay!!! isang blog entry!!!! :D

sumabog ang puso ko sa pagtingin ng mga pictures ng mga tao kanina mula sa kanilang mga multiply... tehe. :D

kaya hindi ko nakayanan. kaya magpo-post na lang ako ng isang blog entry. :)

ayun, test sa stat lab kanina. panu nga ba ang masasabi ko dun sa test. mahirap daw eh. uu, mahirap nga, lalo na yung unang part. pero hindi siya yung mahirap na inexpect ko kasi, mahirap i-explain. pero sige. akala ko kasi, may kahit mga 3 tanong na mahihirap tungkol sa baye's theorem, conditional probability, at yung mga tanong tungkol dun. pero nabigo ako dahil wala. hahaha. pero ok lang. mahirap nga ba siya, actually hindi ako nahirapan masyado, kasi MULTIPLE CHOICE siya! ahaha!!! hasle nga lang pumili ng letra kung wala kang sagot. :p

tapos, ayun, gabi na kami nakauwi dahil sa test. >.< at ayun, baha. as expected, cancelled ba class kanina? lasi parang hindi eh. kasi hanggang gabi nagte-test pa rin kami. ahaha. bitter? ayun nga, baha. feel ko hindi ako makakauwi, pero nakauwi naman ako. buti na lang hindi baha a 5th avenue at hindi na akong napilitang dumaan pa sa monumento. :) ayun.

tapos nakita ko na yung grade ko sa n12. ok lang naman siya, feel ko. pero may isang puwang dito sa aking puso na naghahangad ng mas mataas na marka. [oh whatever. :p ] pero hindi nga, ang laki kaya nang hirap ko dun sa community na part... hehehe. ok lang yun. at least nakatulong ako dun sa mga pamilyang nahawakan ko. :)

tapo ayun. hindi talaga ako marunong gumawa ng blog entry na maikli. ohwell. ito naman ang ilbi niya diba. para mapaglagyan ng randomness ng mga tao. ahaha. ayun. :p

malapit na kaming mag small group dicussion, extemporaneous speech, at impromptu speech. [at interviewhin si maam de leon sa sabado. :p] sana hindi ako mautal sa mga tao. >.<

thought:
kamusta na kaya yung 1st family ko dun sa community... nasa tabi kasi sila ng sapa... eh ang lakas lakas ng ulan. >.< baha na siguro dun ngayon, at baka nasira na rin yung makeshift na tulay nila. sana ok lang sila. >.<

ang buhay ko sa apat na buwan. :|

kamusta naman at alas-tres na ng umaga. at kailangan kong pumasok mamaya ng alas-siyete para sa stat lab. hahaha. ayan. wala lang. bigla ko lang naisipang gumawa na naman ng isang blog entry kasi wala lang. hahaha. :p

~oOo~

January. ayun. nag-finals at nag-removals ako sa isang major subject namin (N12). sobrang depressed talaga ako nung nalaman kong kelangan kong mag-finals, lalo na nung nalaman kong kelangan kong mag-removals. ohwell, dahil nga nalungkot ako, tinapos ko yung d gray man. ahaha. 103 episodes in almost 1 week (gabi gabi ko lang kasi pinanood kaya matagal. :p) saka 8 episodes ng akazukin chacha. ^___^. ohwell. whatever. nakapasa naman ako sa removals kaya ok lang. parteeey. hehehe. tapos nag-duty na din kami nito sa OBAS (OB Admitting Section ba yun? hahaha. :p) nag-cord care (paligo at linis at putol ng umbilical cord) kami dun ng mga babies, at naglaro, kasi sobrang onti ng mga babies kaya hindi kami naka quota (tig 5 kasi dapat per student, naka 2 each lang kami). ayun. masaya naman silang paliguan. ^_^

February. anu nga ba duty namin dito... ah. sa N12, ung sa MIA Health Center (HC) sa Pasay at saka sa Ward... something. pasensiya na blurred na memorya ko.. :( ayun, ung sa HC, nagbakuna kami dun ng mga babies at pde na ring nanay, nag-Leopold's maneuver (kapa kapa tiyan ni mommy), at iba pa. masaya dun, lalo na at masaya din ang CI (clinical instructor) namin, si Prof. Iellamo. teehee. ung sa Ward duty namin, tapat un nung OBAS eh, dun dinadala ung mga mommy na kakatapos lang manganak (postpartum). ayun. sobrang nagustuhan ko ung duty ko dun kasi magaling ang CI namin (Prof. Barcelo, president ng PNA [philippine nurses association]). magaling talaga siya, at masaya. :D ayun. sa N11 naman, duty namin sa Ward 14-B, CI eh si Prof. Iellamo na naman. hindi na nagsawa. hahaha. ayun. nag-duty na rin nga pala kami sa Fabella at nagpa-anak. wala lang. ang saya kasi ang dudulas ng mga baby. at malungkot din kasi ang babata nung ibang mga mommy at preterm ung ibang bata/meconium stained/sobrang hina nila at malapit na silang mamatay. ohwell.

March. is hell. hahaha. hindi naman masyado. duty namin sa community, which is Maricaban, Pasay. masaya ang duty, puwera na lang sa mga times na tatakbuhan/tataguan/tatanggihan ka ng mga pamilyang nais mong alagaan, at sa ilang kasungitan ng mga staff ng health center dun. ohwell. bitter ako sa kanila. ayun na nga. ang CI namin dito ay si Prof. Villarta. magaling naman pala siya eh, at mabait. tapos medyo dumali pa ang buhay ng group namin kasi nagbakasyon siya kasi um-attend sila ng seminar sa Hawaii for one week, so parang may free one week kami para mag-assess/maghanap pa ng pamilya. yun nga lang, ang loser kasi na-extend ang paggawa namin ng papeles. :p tapos nakapagpaanak na pala ako sa community. wiiiI!!!! ahahaha. biglaan lang yun. kasi ung nanay ng second family ko, kabuwanan na pala, kaya ayun. jackpot. masaya kasi dagdag sa experience, at the same time nakakainis kasi DAGDAG sa papers. haaay. ayun. balak ko pa sana ilagay Incident Report ko dito kaya lang wag na lang. :)) nag-duty na din pala kami dito sa N11 sa Ward 4 with Sir Peralta. ohwell. benign kasi ung Ward nung kami na ung nag-duty, kaya wala kami halos nagawa masyado. ang looooser. -____-

April. is extension of hell. watda!!! hanggang sa mga panahong ito ay ginagawa ko pa rin ang papers ko nito. tapos ayun. nakakainis talaga kasi, pagkapasa namin ng papers, kinabukasan ay pasukan na para sa summer class namin. ANU BA YUN?!?! hindi ko man lang naramdaman ang one week na bakasyon. T_T. tapos ung incident report na yun, grabe, sobrang nakaka-badtrip ah. parang nung nakaraang linggo lang ako tumigil sa pagbalik sa san pablo health center para dun. hindi ko na ikukuwento dito ung details, kasi mahaba. :p pero hindi bale, at least tapos na siya ngayon. hehehe. :p sana nga lang ay pumasa kami dun at mataas magbigay ng grade si maam villarta. ^___^

ayun, summer class na namin ngaun. summer na nga, toxic pa rin. panu ba naman kasi, ito ang subjects ko: Math 101 (statistics) lec, Math 101 lab, Comm 3 (speech), at PE (modern jazz)(HAHA!) ayun. sobrang nakakapagod. at dinrop ko na ang PI nito. sa mga susunod na sem ko na lang siya kukuhain...

~oOo~

ayun, pasensiya na at ang tanging goal ko lang naman sa blog entry na ito ay ma-update itong blog ko kung anung nangyari sakin. hahaha. saka na lang ako magpo-post ulit. :)

*note: kahit na puro "masaya" ang sinasabi ko tungkol sa duty ko, hindi lang yun ang nararamdaaman ko pag nagdu-duty ako. kasama na din dun ang pagod, puyat, sakit ng kamay kakasulat/type ng papers,sakit ng tiyan pag nalilipasan kumain, sakit sa ulo kakaisip ng mga ibang subjects na hindi na naiintindi, sakit sa damdamin dahil hindi na makapanuod ng anime, at marami pang ibaaaaa. ahahaha. at may 3rd year at 4th year pa ako para maranasan ulit ang mga iyon. :)