1. I do not love my job.
If I had the choice, I would have chosen a 9-5 job which does not involve dealing with people - directly. And nursing is a job that is the total opposite of that. I have all the core values that our college has to offer (I hope so) - Integrity, Nationalism, Caring, Universalism, and Excellence, but it just drains all of my energy (physical, emotional, social, spiritual, etc.)!!! I am good at my job, but I guess after several years of practicing it, I think I still don't have the passion for it. Maybe I have, but I guess I was just too tired. Aside from the physical aspects of the job which required me to stand and walk around and do procedures 8 hours per shift (or more in most days) with no lunch or toilet breaks (most of the time), I have low tolerance for dramatic and emotional encounters. It just drains me. I try to be as distant as possible from my patients and their families, but sometimes before I sleep at night I still think about them. Years of experience will never let me get used to it.
2. Health hazards.
Nursing involves direct patient contact, with people who are ill, and may have communicable diseases. Even though we wear masks, normal or the N95 ones, I still don't feel safe. And heck, we even have to buy our own protective supplies most of the time because it's not available in our pharmacy! If you are tired from all the work that you're doing, your immune system would also be compromised, which places you at a greater risk to contracting these bugs from the people that you are caring for. And once you are sick, there will be little support for you. You can even be doubted if you really are sick, you'll be asked to go to the infirmary wherein you have to go in early and the doctors will come in late, you'll be asked to report to duty as soon as possible because your ward is short-staffed, and if you're gone for a long time you'll be bugged by your conscience for all your workmates who worked extra hours just to fill in your shifts. I mean, this is nursing, I care for people, but who will care for me when I am the one who is sick?
Aside from that, nurses are also at risk for unhealthy lifestyle. One is because of shifting schedules. Imagine having to work three kind of shifts in a month (8 hours a day, 5 days a week) - 06:00-14:30, 14:00-22:30, and 22:00-06:30. Your body clock will be so messed up that you have to find a way to condition your body to sleep and wake up on demand just to get that well-deserved rest - or not. You're lucky if you have the chance to get out of the ward on time, but because of the workload, most of the time, nurses go home one hour or more after their shift ends - with no overtime pay. There is also the problem of having spine related problems due to frequent lifting of heavy patients. If your hospital doesn't provide the right equipment and training with all those lifting and patient handling, sooner or later you yourself will have to undergo therapy and surgery for your back. And as I have said earlier, there is also the problem with not eating and going to the toilet for a whole shift. It might be because you are too busy doing more urgent things for the doctors and patients that you don't have time for yourself to even do even the most basic of things (and that's why many nurses have gastric and kidney problems). And once your home from duty, the tendency is just to eat and then lay flat in bed and rest. And it does not end there. Because you are so stressed, you tend to stress-eat mostly unhealthy foods, and not do any exercise (and that's why many nurses are diabetic, hypertensive, and have high cholesterol levels).
Enough with the physical aspects of health hazards, because there are also the emotional and mental aspects of care. We are not robots. Handling 5-15 patients a day can take a toll on our emotional health, especially those requiring end of life care. Usually we just try to laugh it out with our colleagues and make jokes, but deep inside, it's not enough for me. Sometimes I feel that I'm becoming a being with a dark personality because I feel that I am becoming less passionate and empathic towards my patients. Well I don't know if that's normal or if that's a good defense mechanism to stay on this job. And all's well and good if you have supportive colleagues, but sometimes all of you are just so tired and drained that you won't be able to offer much help for each other.
3. Financial problems.
Let's face it. This is an old problem with the nursing profession. We are working too hard but we are not compensated much in the Philippines. Yes, you can get by with your everyday life, buy the essentials to live, travel sometimes (well, if you are allowed to file a long leave), spoil yourself a little. But you'll notice in time that you won't be able to save much for your future. Heck, with all those health hazards and health problems that you can acquire with this profession, you might just want to retire early. But you can't. Because you don't have savings. In the end, you're just working for the patients and for the hospital, but not for your future.
4. Personal circumstances.
The truth is, I don't want to be a nurse forever in the Philippines. I wanted to pursue higher education, earn a degree, and shift professions. But surprise! I won't be able to do that while I'm a nurse because I won't have the time and energy for it. And because the ward is always short-staffed (imagine, it will be nearly one year since I resigned, but there is still no replacement for me), there would be little support for me in terms of scheduling. And I can't resign either, because no one will fund my education - and my life.
I'm not really expressive with myself or stylish, or whatever you call it. But I think nursing in the Philippines is too strict. We're not allowed to color our hair with brighter colors, not allowed colored underwears, hair should always be in a bun, only white leather shoes are allowed, big earrings, bracelets, and other jewelleries not allowed... and many more. I know and I understand why these rules are implemented, but I think that sometimes it's just too restrictive (well doctors are doing their rounds with just casual clothings - why do you have to be too strict to nurses?). One other issue is because of time restrictions - I am unable to pursue other interests (arts & crafts, cooking, programming, etc.) Well, before I entered the university, I was pretty sure that I am a fairly creative person. But now, it seems that all of the creative juices in my life had been extracted and sent to Mordor or somewhere.
Lastly, I live far away from the hospital that I was working at. Transportation fares are fine; however, it's the heavy traffic that will kill me. Imagine having to sit for 2-3 hours inside a cramped van before AND after your duty. And you're lucky if the airconditioning system works well, if not you'll have to learn how to access your transcendental mind or something just to let your thoughts wander while your body is squished like a sardine. I rented a dorm near the hospital, but my family just misses me too much (what I really wanted to say is that I really miss them). I know, it's hell everyday. It's like I'm sacrificing all that I have, just in order to stay in a job that I don't want, in order to prepare for a non-existent future.
5. Social circumstances.
What I wrote in my draft is "My ego will not allow me to continue working in a country wherein my efforts, passion, and profession are not appreciated." I graduated with a degree not just to serve as assistants to their revered doctors, but to practice my profession with passion and dignity. So I think that I will not be able to continue working in a country which undermines my role and responsibilities. Sure, there are still some patients and their families who appreciate us nurses and what we do, but there are just others who are especially rude to us. Imagine blaming us in everything that is wrong with their hospitalization even though in essence we have no part in it (billing, late doctors, no funds, unsuccessful/delayed procedures, medications not available in pharmacy, damaged hospital property, one working elevator for the hospital, etc.). I mean hey, we're just doing our job, we are even doing the extra mile for you just to help with the problem, so why be rude to us? And the painful part is when they are shouting at us, but when the doctors/other perceived higher figure comes, they tuck their tails between their legs and talk to them in a soft voice, as if they are the kindest person in the world. I give up. It's just as if we are being treated as maids over there. Or even lower. And if we are the one's who have reached our limits, or did something wrong, or even just a perceived error in their part - but not really, it immediately goes to social media wherein all of your credibility will go down to drain.
So there, those are my reasons for leaving. I realized that I still experience some of the things that are in the list, but at least I am compensated well, I am able to save for my future, I am allowed to have lots of leaves if I wanted too, and I can take care of myself better. I sacrificed many things, but I think it's all worth it. And if I get tired here or get kicked out for whatever reason, I won't regret my decision of going here even one bit. One thing is for sure - I won't go back to being a staff nurse in the Philippines.
~oOo~
Tired Jane is tired. 😔
