Impasse

I think that I am in an impasse right now. I am unmotivated, depressed, and have no direction whatsoever in my life.

I am so sorry my dear blog for letting you catch all of my emotional baggage. But I have no one to talk to right now. Or at least I don’t want to disturb others. But for now, I want to do something. I want to change. So let me enumerate first what I think is wrong with me, then let me offer some solutions. Because I know that I already know the answers, I just need to sort out myself first.

I am home sick. Yes I am, I admit it now. Even though I always say that it is much better here than in the Philippines, there is always no place like home. I realized it just now; I went down to the dining area to eat, then I saw my landlady and her whole family in their living room. They are watching a movie together, eating food cooked by Ate. Then I remembered my family back at home. I remembered the times we also watch movie together, play some games in the PS (even though I always lose from my brother), go out shopping in the mall, go out and eat at a new diner near us… I miss them, I miss being with them, I miss doing things with them. I regret spending less time with them when I was still in the Philippines, and I regret taking for granted that I had with them.

I had a video call with my nephew and mother earlier, and I observed that my mother has aged. Maybe I noticed it now because I don’t see her often nowadays, and I was surprised. I realized that the clock is ticking, and I am spending my time here without her. I was sad, I was really sad, but I can’t show it to her. I regret all the times that I acted like a spoiled brat in front of her, and I wish that I could go back in time to do all the good things for her. I love her very much, I know that she already knows that, but I wish that I could more things for her and spend more time with her.

And I miss my elder brothers too. I don’t tell them much about what I’m going through or how I’m feeling, but I think they know what’s going on with me. When my ex and I broke up last year, I thought that their reactions were just superficial, but then I realized when I came back home that they are so worried about me, that they just want to be strong for me, and that they don’t want me to tell anything that I am not prepared for. I appreciate them more for that. I love them very much. If I could just turn back time and spend more time with them, let myself be spoiled by them again. I miss them very much, and I am crying like a child right now. I never thought that writing this paragraph could trigger this much emotion in me. I miss home, I miss my family, I miss their care and understanding. I want them to know, but I don’t want them to worry. That’s why I need to be strong for them.

  I literally shed a tear when I saw his schoolboy pictures. Is this really how a tita should feel? :(

I feel pressured at work. I feel that I am able to adjust better now at work. From the one time that I tried working with another ward and from the stories that I heard from other newly qualified nurses like me, I think that my ward is alright compared to other areas. I still feel tired after the shifts, but I think I can manage. However, I am in the point of my career that I need to be a nurse-in-charge, but I am not ready yet. Yes, I have been nurse-in-charge in the Philippines before, but I think it is quite different here. First, I’m still not familiar with some of the policies in the ward. And then I am also still afraid of speaking with the doctors, I think it might be because of the culture that I got from the Philippines; being in a pay-ward means that I have to talk regularly with consultants, fellows, and residents of whom most treats us like their personal maids. I’m also afraid that I won’t be able to understand them or that I won’t be able to get my thoughts to them properly because – English and accents. I’m also afraid that I won’t be able to answers their questions; being a nurse in charge means that you have to know everything about the ward, and the problem is that I have short term memory loss (well not really, but the thing is I forget things quite easily). I am also afraid that I will do something wrong or handover something that isn’t right.

Aside from being a nurse in charge, I also feel the pressure of doing some things for our ward. For example, training the staff in syringe pumps. Like, these staff are in the trust waaaaayy longer than me, it would be really awkward to teach them things that they know already, probably more than me. Lastly, I don’t really feel that I belong in my ward. There is really no connection with me and my colleagues. I can tolerate being with them, but I can’t help but compare the companionship that me and my workmates in the Philippines have. I don’t feel at home in my ward. Yes, they seem to be nice and kind to me, my manager is great, but I don’t feel I belong there.

This is me graduating from my Preceptorship. I feel relieved, but pressured at the same time.

I have a broken heart. Yes, however hard I try to avoid it, I really am a hopeless romantic. I think I completely moved on already from my past two heartbreaks (yes, as I said, I tend to forget things quickly). But the thing is, I fall easily. Well not really easily, but, it’s hard to explain. It’s still the same person that I was pertaining to in my last post. I tried communicating with him more during the past few weeks, and I don’t know if he just doesn’t get it or he’s just shrugging me off. But I think that I might have hurt his feelings in some ways that I cannot undo now. He is so cold to me now, that I think we cannot go back to the level of friendship we had before. I want him to know about how I feel, but I don’t think that I can bear another heartache again. And I want to give myself some self-respect. I want to be loved because a man loves me so, not because I told him that I like him. Dalagang Pilipina lang dapat tayo. So there heart, I think my decision on this is just be the best friend you can be ever be. If he wants you, then you can entertain. But if not… I don’t know. Just don’t be sad heart. I hope someone will realize that I am a great lady too. I hope someone will give me a chance…

I think you ignoring this means a no, right? Don't worry, I'll try to forget the feelings now. :')

I have no direction. More than one year has already passed since I left the Philippines, but here I am, took some time off from work due to depression, and I don’t know where to go next. I don’t know what to do tomorrow, next month, next year, or for the rest of my entire life. I keep busying myself with different hobbies that I don’t seem to focus on to or finish (hello books, hello Diablo 3, hello Steam games, hello art set). I want to travel, but I don’t know where. I want to buy a house, but I don’t know how. I want to have a family, but nobody wants me. As I said, I am on an impasse right now. But I think I know the answer. Just make realistic plans, and stick to it. Give some time for yourself. Acknowledge your victories and accomplishments. I need to appreciate myself more. I am a great woman, and the proof is who I am right now, where I am, and what I am capable of doing. And I realized that I have a missing piece in my life right now. I forgot about God. I became too caught up with the world and these material things that I forgot about my spirituality. So now I am turning back to You. I hope that You will still accept me.

But I'm thankful that I was able to achieve one of my childhood dreams. I just hope that next time there would be someone here with me. Thank you in advance, Lord. :)

My rant is finished, and I feel better now. My thoughts are much more organized. I feel more capable, and I love myself more. I hope the next time that I write here, it will be for a more positive news. I love you Jane!!!

Random Musings

It has been some time since I last wrote on this blog. I cannot sleep even though I’ll be working night later. And to think that I usually boast that I can sleep with the flick of a finger. But I can understand me, there’s something bothering me. And that’s why I’m writing here again.

I don’t find enjoyment in anything that I do. I tried reading books, playing online, offline, PC, and mobile games, read work-related articles, messaging people - but none is working. All of these are just making my head ache. I guess I’m depressed. I guess I just need someone to talk with. Ask me how my day has been. If I’m alright. If I’m still alive. I think I’m annoying other people when I try doing this for them - I’m extremely sensitive regarding that.

And the thing is, I just came from Italy together with some friends. The trip was good, it was tiring, but it was good. My heart and mind are still there, I want to go back. The place is just perfect for me. At least I was able to forget all of the stress here in UK. Although I want to change some things that I did back there - I guess I was too guarded. I wonder if I just had let my heart do its thing, would I be happier now?

But I am disappointed with myself. Why do I fall ever so easily. Why can’t I control my feelings? Just showing me kindness and some mixed signals that I don’t even know if those are for me is making me like someone. Focus Jane. Focus. You don’t want another friendship ruined because of your emotions.

I guess I’ll just stay away for now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if I’m ready for all of these yet. I don’t think that I am someone that anyone can be proud of. I’m not beautiful, I’m chubby, my cooking skills are limited, I’m clingy, I’m not too expressive.. Maybe that’s why no one is interested in me.

But despite all of that, I still want someone to spend my time with, someone to talk with, someone to embrace me, someone to love me with all their heart. But hoping and waiting for that someone is breaking me. I’m getting old and I need someone to rely on. I try to tell myself that I’m a strong independent woman, but at times like these, I admit that I still want someone with me.

I guess I’ll just try resolving this on my own. I hope I can. I hope my brain will try to calm down. I don’t want another migraine episode - because now I’ll be all alone here with no one to care for me.

Reasons for Moving Out

Well, I currently have some time in my hands (six days to be exact 😎 ) that's why I'll be doing this post. This is just bugging my mind for too long now and I want to tick it off my To Do List. I wrote the draft for this when I was still in the Philippines and reviewing for the IELTS after I had flunked for my first try. As you might have guessed from the title, these are the reasons why I chose to leave the Philippines, well, the Nursing profession there in particular.

1. I do not love my job.

If I had the choice, I would have chosen a 9-5 job which does not involve dealing with people - directly. And nursing is a job that is the total opposite of that. I have all the core values that our college has to offer (I hope so) - Integrity, Nationalism, Caring, Universalism, and Excellence, but it just drains all of my energy (physical, emotional, social, spiritual, etc.)!!! I am good at my job, but I guess after several years of practicing it, I think I still don't have the passion for it. Maybe I have, but I guess I was just too tired. Aside from the physical aspects of the job which required me to stand and walk around and do procedures 8 hours per shift (or more in most days) with no lunch or toilet breaks (most of the time), I have low tolerance for dramatic and emotional encounters. It just drains me. I try to be as distant as possible from my patients and their families, but sometimes before I sleep at night I still think about them. Years of experience will never let me get used to it.

2. Health hazards.

Nursing involves direct patient contact, with people who are ill, and may have communicable diseases. Even though we wear masks, normal or the N95 ones, I still don't feel safe. And heck, we even have to buy our own protective supplies most of the time because it's not available in our pharmacy! If you are tired from all the work that you're doing, your immune system would also be compromised, which places you at a greater risk to contracting these bugs from the people that you are caring for. And once you are sick, there will be little support for you. You can even be doubted if you really are sick, you'll be asked to go to the infirmary wherein you have to go in early and the doctors will come in late, you'll be asked to report to duty as soon as possible because your ward is short-staffed, and if you're gone for a long time you'll be bugged by your conscience for all your workmates who worked extra hours just to fill in your shifts. I mean, this is nursing, I care for people, but who will care for me when I am the one who is sick?

Aside from that, nurses are also at risk for unhealthy lifestyle. One is because of shifting schedules. Imagine having to work three kind of shifts in a month (8 hours a day, 5 days a week) - 06:00-14:30, 14:00-22:30, and 22:00-06:30. Your body clock will be so messed up that you have to find a way to condition your body to sleep and wake up on demand just to get that well-deserved rest - or not. You're lucky if you have the chance to get out of the ward on time, but because of the workload, most of the time, nurses go home one hour or more after their shift ends - with no overtime pay. There is also the problem of having spine related problems due to frequent lifting of heavy patients. If your hospital doesn't provide the right equipment and training with all those lifting and patient handling, sooner or later you yourself will have to undergo therapy and surgery for your back. And as I have said earlier, there is also the problem with not eating and going to the toilet for a whole shift. It might be because you are too busy doing more urgent things for the doctors and patients that you don't have time for yourself to even do even the most basic of things (and that's why many nurses have gastric and kidney problems). And once your home from duty, the tendency is just to eat and then lay flat in bed and rest. And it does not end there. Because you are so stressed, you tend to stress-eat mostly unhealthy foods, and not do any exercise (and that's why many nurses are diabetic, hypertensive, and have high cholesterol levels).

Enough with the physical aspects of health hazards, because there are also the emotional and mental aspects of care. We are not robots. Handling 5-15 patients a day can take a toll on our emotional health, especially those requiring end of life care. Usually we just try to laugh it out with our colleagues and make jokes, but deep inside, it's not enough for me. Sometimes I feel that I'm becoming a being with a dark personality because I feel that I am becoming less passionate and empathic towards my patients. Well I don't know if that's normal or if that's a good defense mechanism to stay on this job. And all's well and good if you have supportive colleagues, but sometimes all of you are just so tired and drained that you won't be able to offer much help for each other.

3. Financial problems.

Let's face it. This is an old problem with the nursing profession. We are working too hard but we are not compensated much in the Philippines. Yes, you can get by with your everyday life, buy the essentials to live, travel sometimes (well, if you are allowed to file a long leave), spoil yourself a little. But you'll notice in time that you won't be able to save much for your future. Heck, with all those health hazards and health problems that you can acquire with this profession, you might just want to retire early. But you can't. Because you don't have savings. In the end, you're just working for the patients and for the hospital, but not for your future.

4. Personal circumstances.

The truth is, I don't want to be a nurse forever in the Philippines. I wanted to pursue higher education, earn a degree, and shift professions. But surprise! I won't be able to do that while I'm a nurse because I won't have the time and energy for it. And because the ward is always short-staffed (imagine, it will be nearly one year since I resigned, but there is still no replacement for me), there would be little support for me in terms of scheduling. And I can't resign either, because no one will fund my education - and my life.

I'm not really expressive with myself or stylish, or whatever you call it. But I think nursing in the Philippines is too strict. We're not allowed to color our hair with brighter colors, not allowed colored underwears, hair should always be in a bun, only white leather shoes are allowed, big earrings, bracelets, and other jewelleries not allowed... and many more. I know and I understand why these rules are implemented, but I think that sometimes it's just too restrictive (well doctors are doing their rounds with just casual clothings - why do you have to be too strict to nurses?). One other issue is because of time restrictions - I am unable to pursue other interests (arts & crafts, cooking, programming, etc.) Well, before I entered the university, I was pretty sure that I am a fairly creative person. But now, it seems that all of the creative juices in my life had been extracted and sent to Mordor or somewhere.

Lastly, I live far away from the hospital that I was working at. Transportation fares are fine; however, it's the heavy traffic that will kill me. Imagine having to sit for 2-3 hours inside a cramped van before AND after your duty. And you're lucky if the airconditioning system works well, if not you'll have to learn how to access your transcendental mind or something just to let your thoughts wander while your body is squished like a sardine. I rented a dorm near the hospital, but my family just misses me too much (what I really wanted to say is that I really miss them). I know, it's hell everyday. It's like I'm sacrificing all that I have, just in order to stay in a job that I don't want, in order to prepare for a non-existent future.

5. Social circumstances.

What I wrote in my draft is "My ego will not allow me to continue working in a country wherein my efforts, passion, and profession are not appreciated." I graduated with a degree not just to serve as assistants to their revered doctors, but to practice my profession with passion and dignity. So I think that I will not be able to continue working in a country which undermines my role and responsibilities. Sure, there are still some patients and their families who appreciate us nurses and what we do, but there are just others who are especially rude to us. Imagine blaming us in everything that is wrong with their hospitalization even though in essence we have no part in it (billing, late doctors, no funds, unsuccessful/delayed procedures, medications not available in pharmacy, damaged hospital property, one working elevator for the hospital, etc.). I mean hey, we're just doing our job, we are even doing the extra mile for you just to help with the problem, so why be rude to us? And the painful part is when they are shouting at us, but when the doctors/other perceived higher figure comes, they tuck their tails between their legs and talk to them in a soft voice, as if they are the kindest person in the world. I give up. It's just as if we are being treated as maids over there. Or even lower. And if we are the one's who have reached our limits, or did something wrong, or even just a perceived error in their part - but not really, it immediately goes to social media wherein all of your credibility will go down to drain.

So there, those are my reasons for leaving. I realized that I still experience some of the things that are in the list, but at least I am compensated well, I am able to save for my future, I am allowed to have lots of leaves if I wanted too, and I can take care of myself better. I sacrificed many things, but I think it's all worth it. And if I get tired here or get kicked out for whatever reason, I won't regret my decision of going here even one bit. One thing is for sure - I won't go back to being a staff nurse in the Philippines.

~oOo~

Tired Jane is tired. 😔

To a New Beginning

“But he did not understand the price. Mortals never do. They only see the prize, their heart's desire, their dream... But the price of getting what you want, is getting what you once wanted.” 

- Neil Gaiman, The Sandman

~oOo~

2017 had passed. And it was like a roller coaster ride for me. I was able to find a job here in UK, I was able to travel to some places, I was able to make new friends, and I had my heart broken, crushed, torn into a million pieces.

Our eight-year relationship had ended. I guess LDR didn’t work out well for us. Although I felt that I was the one cheated in this situation, looking at it objectively, both of us had our own share of mistakes.

I blame him mainly for not having a plan for our future, or at least having an interest on thinking about one. And he blames me for not having much time, sympathy, and understanding for him and and his career. I tried fixing the problem, but he won’t let me. So what else can I do? I’m already tired of thinking and planning for the both of us. And I can see that he already has someone else that he fancies. I’m an overly possessive person in nature, but I try to hide and control it as much as possible. But I don’t want to hold on to someone who wants to be free. So now I let him be.

I don’t even know if I’m writing much sense here. Three months had already passed and I think that I am slowly moving on. The first month is hell. I was always crying alone in my room. I had to fake a smile when I was with my friends, because I don’t want them to pity me. Because I am a self-proclaimed strong independent woman. I hated myself. “Am I not enough? Is there something wrong with me? Was it a mistake to go here?” I cannot sleep, since I always dreamed of him. I spent a third of my life with him, and it was gone in a blink of an eye. I had already imagined myself walking through the church aisle to him, having our own house, kids, car, cat, and whatever else a happy family has. Heck, we already even have a name for our child. But it seemed like he did not think much about those things. Have I been too demanding? I don’t know. He could’ve told me. We’re each other’s bestfriends and he could’ve told me.

But there’s no sense in thinking on what could have been. I just wish he’s happy now without me. I hope somone will take care of him better than me. I still love him, but not the way that I used to. I think I will continue to remember him for some time in every things and places that we used to do and go to. I have to move on, for me, my family, and him.

I am just thankful that I had my friends who supported me in that difficult moment of my life. I didn’t want my family to know that I was so devastated by what happened, I don’t want them to worry about me. I guess after all I’m just a little crybaby who wants someone to be with me.

Anyway, life goes on. I try to think of the advantages of being single. I can travel without worrying that he might get jealous of who I am with. I can spend more time with my friends and family. And instead of thinking about what’s good for the both of us, I can focus more on myself and what I want.

And so, I welcome 2018 with open arms. Please be good to me. Here's to a new year and new beginnings! 🍻🍾

At Cambridge, waiting for my forever. Chos! 

First Post from London

I’m back!

Or so I’d like to say. I suddenly had the energy since I called off-sick from work and I was able to rest for a week, but I don’t know if I would be able to update this regularly from now on. I think it’s already six years since I last updated this blog; and honestly, I never intended to write on this again. But stumbling upon these pieces of microhistories made me sentimental and inspired me to write again. Although I can’t promise that I can write about quality stories, I know that I will surely share things that are true and close to my heart. (And aside from that, I also want to practice my English XD)

There had been many changes in my life during these past 6 years and I’d like to share these in different parts (along with several pictures, because we're living in a digital world now!):

~oOo~

CAREER

About a decade ago, I dreamt of London. Of its various historical sites, the intricacies of its buildings and the stories behind them. Of its people, their curious accent and polite way of dealing with people. Of its weather, its four seasons as compared with the Philippines' mere summer and rainy seasons.

Five months ago, my dream came true. For the better or for the worse - that I still have to find out.

I worked for five years under the pay medical-surgical ward of the Philippine General Hospital, and although I can’t say that I had already seen all that is there to see and absorb all the knowledge there is to gain underneath its roof, I decided to end my toxic relationship with it. I don’t want to complain because I know that compared to other nurses working in private hospitals, our salary is relatively higher and we also have additional compensation most of the time. I don’t want to prolong this post by enumerating various reasons that led to my decision, and I would like to reserve it for another post. The bottom line is, I felt tired, I quit, I moved on.

Hello from the other side.

~oOo~

FAMILY

Thankfully, I still have a whole, complete, and happy family. I’m happy that me and my brothers are not fighting with each other, and if we do, it’s only about who is the most ugly or who is probably adopted amongst us. I am very blessed to have such caring and supportive brothers and mother.

We were also able to visit mother’s province, Aklan, twice since I last wrote on this blog. The place is such a beauty and we were also able to go to Boracay. Although it’s more commercialized now than the last time we visited, the white sand, bright blue ocean, and the beach heat still took my breath away. Aside from that, we’re also able to spend time with our relatives there and they prepared for us a lot of seafood dishes, which are all oh-so-heavenly-good. I’m looking forward to visiting again and I hope the next time our family will be more complete.

 Seafood party with relatives.

Me and Boracay

Family picture at Boracay.

The only notable thing that had been a problem over the past years is my mother’s kidney stone. It bothered her a lot and there are times when we had to bring her to the hospital because of the pain. However, last February, she decided to undergo partial nephrectomy and we gave her our full support. It tested our patience with one another and in a sense, our family’s bond. All of us had a role in our mother’s medical journey - from diagnosis to recovery - and I am really glad that we made it through that trial. As of the moment, my mother said that she is recovering just fine and her flank pain is not bothering her anymore.

 Mommy before going to the operating room.

 The culprits.

Thank you National Kidney and Transplant Institute for the top-notch service!

And of course how could I forget, I already have my nephew from Kuya Arthur. He is such a darling! Although he can be naughty and bratty at times, he is still such a sweet, witty, and energetic child. He calls me confidently by my first name sometimes. Such a cutie! I hope that when I return to the Philippines, he can still remember me.

 Isn't he a stud? ^_^

It can't be more obvious that I'm in love with this child. 

~oOo~

LOVE LIFE

Teddy.

Last picture before I left him. :(

Well, what more do I have to say? We managed to endure eight years with each other. I am still happy with him and I hope that he still feels the same with me, too. We’re pretty much stable and comfortable with each other right now. We're hopeful that we can overcome this LDR thing.

~oOo~

EDUCATION

Fear.

If I can describe my view on education right now, that would be it. When I was in high school, I thought that I can pass and graduate with flying colors in any course that I would take. I was that confident with myself before. I loved studying and if I had a choice back then, I would like to be a student forever.

However, Nursing happened. I was very traumatized with how I studied back then. Fear of failure, lack of sleep, intense pressure, some terror professors, and fast-paced lessons are only some of the reasons why I hated college. I conquered it, graduated on time, and passed the board exams; however, the fear of learning is still there. I know that how my college did their thing worked because I am a safe and effective nurse right now, and probably all of the other nurses who graduated in the same college. However, the psychological toll on me is so great that I didn’t want to take another step into my university.

I tried applying for Master of Science in Health Informatics in the hopes that I could overcome my fear. I was able to accomplish the written requirements for the course but problems with schedule made me admit defeat. You see, if you are a regular staff nurse, you don’t have enough time for rest, family, friends - and what more for studies? It might have been possible if I was allowed to go on permanent night duty while I am studying but it wouldn’t have been possible with the tight staffing in our ward. So I decided to give up and explore my other options - hence, London.

At least I tried. Thanks for the good recommendation anyway Ma'am A. 

I still don’t know if my fear for education is justifiable or if my chosen path is right. But at least now, I think that the NHS is very supportive in terms of learning opportunities in terms of trainings and seminars. However, I still have to find out if I can realize my dream of accomplishing that MSHI.

~oOo~

I think those are the major updates in my life for now. There are some ups and downs but I consider myself lucky since I was able to reach where I am now. Even though it’s tough, I’ll make sure that every sweat, every muscle ache, every tear drop, will be all worth it for my future.

Post-Graduation, Pre-Official Work Insights

Hoorah! So much time had passed since I last posted on this blog; it’s almost a year or so. And so much had also happened in my life. First, I had already graduated. Not just any course from any school. I finished BS Nursing in University of the Philippines Manila. Well, my previous posts show how hard my life had been until my third year college. I can say that the pressure still remained until fourth year, and with that, I can already feel the burn out that was hindering me from doing my best in my last year. But despite that, simple joys, enjoyments, and inspirations have fuelled me along the way. I thank my friends, my family, and my loved ones for supporting me and not giving up on me on my journey.

I admit that I had been a somewhat lazy student, if I would compare myself to my own definition of a good student. Yes, I submit requirements on time, I do not skip classes or duties, I take notes with beautiful drawings and hand writing, and I review my books and notes… I do everything that a good student does. But somehow, I feel that it is not enough. I feel that I could have done better. I feel that if I have tried hard enough, maybe I could have gotten that cum laude position in our batch, maybe I could have topped the board exam, maybe this, maybe that. I have always been close to achieving those, only close, but I do not achieve it.

When I entered college, I had been contented with doing good, but not doing my best, since I knew that even if I tried hard enough, others would still be better than me, and my hard work would amount to nothing. But I guess now, that is not true. Looking back, maybe if I only did my best, or pushed myself further, I could have been better, and achieved more. Those little things that I should have memorized, those little instances where I should volunteered to do something; those little things could have improved my knowledge and skills more.

But those things have already passed, and those moments were already gone. I am happy with the achievements that I had received; I graduated from a prestigious university, I graduated on time, I was able to maintain my scholarship, and I have no bad records for my entire stay in school. What I can do for now is to look forward and not repeat the same mistakes that I done. Maybe before, I was not able to love what I am doing, because I admit that I really do not love my chosen course. But now, I do not have a reason to not love my profession – it is a noble one, and I am much honored to be a part of it.

Now that I have also passed the Nursing Licensure Exam, and already a registered professional, I guess its now time to put my stocked knowledge into good use and apply it in real life. Well, not only the knowledge that I had gained inside the four corners of our classroom, but also the wisdom that I had acquired outside it. It’s now time to fix myself, set my goal, determine my priorities, and dream.

~oOo~

I think it had been my habit to post a picture after every blog post. And since this is my post-grad blog post, I would like to share this picture with everyone, especially the UP people. :p

4 and 93/100 down! :D

well, kaya may butal yan, dahil.. hindi pa ako tapos sa community. ahaha! kulang pa sa evaluation part. :p at dahil umalis nga si prof dones upang pumunta sa ibang bansa, mukhang hindi namin kagad malalaman kung pumasa nga kami o hindi. ohwell. bahala na si superbatman. sana ay makapasa kaming lahat. ^__^

ayun. bale ang duty namin ngayon ay community, sa pateros. kailangan naming mag-handle ng isang family na ang isang member ng pamilya ay may sakit na under sa napag-aralan na namin [oxygenation, fluid and electrolyte imbalance, reproduction, sexuality, hi-risk neonate]. at ang pinaka-basic/recommended na maaaring i-handle ay yung family na may hypertensive member at yung may TB. ohyes. at masuwerte naman ako na iyon nga ang mga nakuha ko. hehehe. ayun nga lang stroke patient yung sa hypertensive patient ko. pero keri lang. hehe.

ayun. mahaba kasi ang istorya ng aming kasiyahan at kalungkutan sa maricaban. pero sige, ikukuwento ko. hahaha. wala lang. for fun. :p

day 0 [sunday]: hindi pa namin duty, pero dahil excited ako, o ang mas tamang term eh kinakabahan, naghanap na ako ng patients ko. haha. nakakita ako ng posibleng hypertensive, asthma, at post kidney transplant patients. ngunit, lahat sila ay problema sa skedule at hidni ko mami-meet tuwing weekdays. siyempre hassle yun. kaya ayun, wala ring nangyari sa huli. haha. pero at least, nagkaroon ako ng momentum sa paghahanap. ;)

day 1 [monday]: salamat kay lors at nakahanap ako ng aking family na may hypertensive patient. ayun, dalawa lang silang oldies sa kanilang bahay, at masaya kasi pinapakain nila ako. hehe. siyempre masama namang tumanggi diba? hindi naman ako nagpapakita ng motibo para alukin/bigyan ako ng food eh. kaya yun. pero dahil sa sobrang daldal nila, IDB at onting NHH lang ang natapos ko. =___=

day 2 [tuesday]: itinuloy ko ang aking assessment sa aking HPN family. at nung magtatanghali na, pumunta kami sa Masikap Health Center para makakuha ng cases ng TB pxs. huwaw. they are like so rare. :)) nakuha na yung iba ng aming mga klasmeyt, at yung iba eh busy sa kanilang trabaho. >.< naka-interview naman ako, kaya lang yun nga, busy sa trabaho, so medyo alanganin... so nung hapon, naghanap ulit ako ng isa pang px, na sa pagkakataong ito ay isang hi-risk pregnancy. naging hi-risk siya kasi less than 18 yrs old lang siya pero...

day 3 [wednesday]: ...hindi pde yung hi-risk pregnancy. dahil yung age lang ang ikina-hi-risk niya. ang loser naman nun diba? saka 9 months na yung baby niya, so wala na akong masyadong magagawa para dun. ayaw ko namang magpa-anak ulit sa community diba? =___= yung sa TB eh, mukhang hindi rin pde, kasi nga magkokonflict ang mga sked namin. so ayun, kamusta naman at wala pa akong 2nd patient, at kinabukasan na ang pasahan ng aming papers. take note: FINAL PAPER!!! watda. kamusta naman yun. @-) so ayun, sinugod namin ang Masikap [kami ni nikki, kasi nga kami na lang ang wala pang 2nd px nung mga panahong yun]. at ayun, meron naman, pero nasa kabilang ibayo pa siya ng pateros, sa may border ng pateros at taguig. pero keri lang, para sa ikapapasa!!! wahaha. so ayun, buti na lang at mabait at masaya naman ang pamilya na napunta sa akin.. pero yung kay nikki...

day 4 [thursday]: ...hindi maganda. dahil ayaw nung tatay na magpainterview o kahit magpa-rinig man lang ng breath sound. at eto pa, pinagsabihan/pinagalitan kami sa may daanan, kung saan maraming tao ang tumatambay. >.< nakakaiyak talaga yun, ohwell, nakakaiyak nga kaya nag-iyakan kami ni nikki sa may tricyle, dahil 1. napahiya kami sa may daanan, at 2. paano na ang 2nd family ni nikki??? ayun, buti na lang at medyo nagkaroon ng paraan, kaya medyo umayos naman. at oo nga pala, ngayon ang pasahan ng FINAL PAPER for BOTH FAMILIES. hehe. parteeey. :)) kaya ayun, naki-stay ako sa dorm ni nikki upang gumawa ng papeles, super overdrive yun. grabe. sana hindi na ulit maulit yun sa buong buhay ko. pero mukhang mangyayari pa rin yun habang nasa nuring ako. ahaha. :p

day 5 [friday]: walang duty, dahil 4 days lang dapat ang duty. kaya ayun, inayos ko lang ang mga papeles ko kahit alam kong hindi na siya ipapa-pass ulit. ahehe. :p

day 6 [saturday]: siyempre, nakakahiya naman sa mgaa grupmates ko sa 119, so ayun pumunta ako ng pateros para sa 119. pero nag half day ako para maassess yung iba pang family member nung sa TB px ko. ayun lang. hehe. :p

day 7 [tuesday]: hindi na ko pumunta nung sunday at monday, dahil ubos na ang physical, mental, emotional, at kahit anu pang types ng energy na meron ako. :)) so ayun, tuesday na naman. home visit ko na to! o diba ang bibbo kid ko, nagpa-home visit ako kagad. hahaha. yung pina-home visit ko kay mam ay yung TB patient ko. :D buti na lang talaga at masayahin at makuwento yung pamilya ko dun, at mukhang naging maganda naman ang kinalabasan, altho may iba akong pagkukulang at pagkakamali, keri lang. hehehe. :D

day 8 [wednesday]: bumalik ako sa TB px ko para ituloy ang aking interventions. yosh! :D

day 9 [thursday]: ako nagsimula na ng aking interventions sa aking HPN. ayun, alam niyo naman, madaldal sila, kaya medyo nagtagal ako dun. hahaha. pero keri lang. :D medyo may hindi laang ako natapos kasi hindi naman talaga katapos-tapos yun nung araw na iyon, at sa monday/tuesday ko pa matatapos yun. :D

day 10 [friday]: achievement exam!!! ohmaygaligawd. medyo mahirap yung test, kasi hindi ako masyado nakapagaral kasi gumawa ako ng progress notes na hindi ko rin naman napasa kasi hindi ko pa tapos yung evaluation ko. ang loser talaga nun. =__= pero ok lang, nag-UBE naman kami pagkatapos! yay! [sori walang picture, wala akong dalang cam eh. >.<] at ito ang pinakagusto kong UBE kasi sa karate kid kami, na sa tingin ko ay ang pinakamura na sa lahat ng pinag-UBE-han namin at ang pinakanabusog ako. :D [unlimited rice + unlimited iced tea banzai!] hahaha. :p at nung hapon eh mas sumaya pa ako. :p

haha. ayun. maaksiyon ang community duty. malungkot minsan. masaya. nakakatawa. nakakaiyak. at mami-miss ko ang pagpapahinga sa mansion ni dean tuazon dun [c/o lors], ang 21 Php na sulit na burger ng buns and burger, ang mahal na tricycle fare lalo na kung mag-isa ka lang sasakay, ang pag-commute papuntang pateros, ang paggamit sa sira kong community shoes [yes. sira na siya. at hindi ko mapalitan kasi wala akong time na bumili. >.<], sa mga pamilya ko na napakasaya, at marami pang iba. pero alam mo yun, napaka-fulfilling pag natapos mo na, lalo na kung ang CI mo eh si mam dones. hehehe. pero ayun nga, hindi pa kami tapos. so hindi pa buo yung sense of fulfillment na ito. :p

~oOo~

HINDI PA TAPOS ANG MEDPAPER KO. at ang masaklap dun, nung friday pa ang pasahan niya. at ang pinakamasaklap pa, may minus 2 sa bawat araw na ma-late, including weekends and holidays. aargh. nakakainis talaga. bakit ba kasi tumapat yun sa community duty namin? at bakit ba kasi naapaka-lupit namn ni sir arnold para hindi kami bigyan ng extension. huhuhu... at ayun nga. inuuna ko paito kaysa gumawa ng medpaper. hehehe. nice. :D at bukas [or rather mamaya] ay pupunta kaming pateros para sa 119 namin. heheh. goodluck na lang sakin. :D

~oOo~

wahahaha. nasa episode 11 na ako ng season 2 ng melancholy of haruhi suzumiya!!! wahaha!!! ok naman siya. pero nakakainis talaga yung episodes 2 to 9 eh. argh. sayang sa airing time [tama ba?] ayun. hehehe. gusto ko sana maglagay ng spoiler kaya lang.. ;))

~oOo~

masaya ako nung friday. at maraming salamat dun sa taong nagpasaya sa akin. hehe. :D
suwerte nga ba talaga ako at saktong sakto na si haruhi ang nakuha natin sa capsule? :p
at malungkot, masaya, at maganda yung UP. at mas magandaa kasi kasama kita nanuod. hehehe. ;))

~oOo~

may ishe-share na lang ulit akong picture. isa na ba itong hobby na magshare ng picture sa dulo ng blog entry? :))