To a New Beginning

“But he did not understand the price. Mortals never do. They only see the prize, their heart's desire, their dream... But the price of getting what you want, is getting what you once wanted.” 

- Neil Gaiman, The Sandman

~oOo~

2017 had passed. And it was like a roller coaster ride for me. I was able to find a job here in UK, I was able to travel to some places, I was able to make new friends, and I had my heart broken, crushed, torn into a million pieces.

Our eight-year relationship had ended. I guess LDR didn’t work out well for us. Although I felt that I was the one cheated in this situation, looking at it objectively, both of us had our own share of mistakes.

I blame him mainly for not having a plan for our future, or at least having an interest on thinking about one. And he blames me for not having much time, sympathy, and understanding for him and and his career. I tried fixing the problem, but he won’t let me. So what else can I do? I’m already tired of thinking and planning for the both of us. And I can see that he already has someone else that he fancies. I’m an overly possessive person in nature, but I try to hide and control it as much as possible. But I don’t want to hold on to someone who wants to be free. So now I let him be.

I don’t even know if I’m writing much sense here. Three months had already passed and I think that I am slowly moving on. The first month is hell. I was always crying alone in my room. I had to fake a smile when I was with my friends, because I don’t want them to pity me. Because I am a self-proclaimed strong independent woman. I hated myself. “Am I not enough? Is there something wrong with me? Was it a mistake to go here?” I cannot sleep, since I always dreamed of him. I spent a third of my life with him, and it was gone in a blink of an eye. I had already imagined myself walking through the church aisle to him, having our own house, kids, car, cat, and whatever else a happy family has. Heck, we already even have a name for our child. But it seemed like he did not think much about those things. Have I been too demanding? I don’t know. He could’ve told me. We’re each other’s bestfriends and he could’ve told me.

But there’s no sense in thinking on what could have been. I just wish he’s happy now without me. I hope somone will take care of him better than me. I still love him, but not the way that I used to. I think I will continue to remember him for some time in every things and places that we used to do and go to. I have to move on, for me, my family, and him.

I am just thankful that I had my friends who supported me in that difficult moment of my life. I didn’t want my family to know that I was so devastated by what happened, I don’t want them to worry about me. I guess after all I’m just a little crybaby who wants someone to be with me.

Anyway, life goes on. I try to think of the advantages of being single. I can travel without worrying that he might get jealous of who I am with. I can spend more time with my friends and family. And instead of thinking about what’s good for the both of us, I can focus more on myself and what I want.

And so, I welcome 2018 with open arms. Please be good to me. Here's to a new year and new beginnings! 🍻🍾

At Cambridge, waiting for my forever. Chos!