Friday, May 25, 2018

Random Musings

It has been some time since I last wrote on this blog. I cannot sleep even though I’ll be working night later. And to think that I usually boast that I can sleep with the flick of a finger. But I can understand me, there’s something bothering me. And that’s why I’m writing here again.

I don’t find enjoyment in anything that I do. I tried reading books, playing online, offline, PC, and mobile games, read work-related articles, messaging people - but none is working. All of these are just making my head ache. I guess I’m depressed. I guess I just need someone to talk with. Ask me how my day has been. If I’m alright. If I’m still alive. I think I’m annoying other people when I try doing this for them - I’m extremely sensitive regarding that.

And the thing is, I just came from Italy together with some friends. The trip was good, it was tiring, but it was good. My heart and mind are still there, I want to go back. The place is just perfect for me. At least I was able to forget all of the stress here in UK. Although I want to change some things that I did back there - I guess I was too guarded. I wonder if I just had let my heart do its thing, would I be happier now?

But I am disappointed with myself. Why do I fall ever so easily. Why can’t I control my feelings? Just showing me kindness and some mixed signals that I don’t even know if those are for me is making me like someone. Focus Jane. Focus. You don’t want another friendship ruined because of your emotions.

I guess I’ll just stay away for now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if I’m ready for all of these yet. I don’t think that I am someone that anyone can be proud of. I’m not beautiful, I’m chubby, my cooking skills are limited, I’m clingy, I’m not too expressive.. Maybe that’s why no one is interested in me.

But despite all of that, I still want someone to spend my time with, someone to talk with, someone to embrace me, someone to love me with all their heart. But hoping and waiting for that someone is breaking me. I’m getting old and I need someone to rely on. I try to tell myself that I’m a strong independent woman, but at times like these, I admit that I still want someone with me.

I guess I’ll just try resolving this on my own. I hope I can. I hope my brain will try to calm down. I don’t want another migraine episode - because now I’ll be all alone here with no one to care for me.

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