Impasse

I think that I am in an impasse right now. I am unmotivated, depressed, and have no direction whatsoever in my life.

I am so sorry my dear blog for letting you catch all of my emotional baggage. But I have no one to talk to right now. Or at least I don’t want to disturb others. But for now, I want to do something. I want to change. So let me enumerate first what I think is wrong with me, then let me offer some solutions. Because I know that I already know the answers, I just need to sort out myself first.

I am home sick. Yes I am, I admit it now. Even though I always say that it is much better here than in the Philippines, there is always no place like home. I realized it just now; I went down to the dining area to eat, then I saw my landlady and her whole family in their living room. They are watching a movie together, eating food cooked by Ate. Then I remembered my family back at home. I remembered the times we also watch movie together, play some games in the PS (even though I always lose from my brother), go out shopping in the mall, go out and eat at a new diner near us… I miss them, I miss being with them, I miss doing things with them. I regret spending less time with them when I was still in the Philippines, and I regret taking for granted that I had with them.

I had a video call with my nephew and mother earlier, and I observed that my mother has aged. Maybe I noticed it now because I don’t see her often nowadays, and I was surprised. I realized that the clock is ticking, and I am spending my time here without her. I was sad, I was really sad, but I can’t show it to her. I regret all the times that I acted like a spoiled brat in front of her, and I wish that I could go back in time to do all the good things for her. I love her very much, I know that she already knows that, but I wish that I could more things for her and spend more time with her.

And I miss my elder brothers too. I don’t tell them much about what I’m going through or how I’m feeling, but I think they know what’s going on with me. When my ex and I broke up last year, I thought that their reactions were just superficial, but then I realized when I came back home that they are so worried about me, that they just want to be strong for me, and that they don’t want me to tell anything that I am not prepared for. I appreciate them more for that. I love them very much. If I could just turn back time and spend more time with them, let myself be spoiled by them again. I miss them very much, and I am crying like a child right now. I never thought that writing this paragraph could trigger this much emotion in me. I miss home, I miss my family, I miss their care and understanding. I want them to know, but I don’t want them to worry. That’s why I need to be strong for them.

  I literally shed a tear when I saw his schoolboy pictures. Is this really how a tita should feel? :(

I feel pressured at work. I feel that I am able to adjust better now at work. From the one time that I tried working with another ward and from the stories that I heard from other newly qualified nurses like me, I think that my ward is alright compared to other areas. I still feel tired after the shifts, but I think I can manage. However, I am in the point of my career that I need to be a nurse-in-charge, but I am not ready yet. Yes, I have been nurse-in-charge in the Philippines before, but I think it is quite different here. First, I’m still not familiar with some of the policies in the ward. And then I am also still afraid of speaking with the doctors, I think it might be because of the culture that I got from the Philippines; being in a pay-ward means that I have to talk regularly with consultants, fellows, and residents of whom most treats us like their personal maids. I’m also afraid that I won’t be able to understand them or that I won’t be able to get my thoughts to them properly because – English and accents. I’m also afraid that I won’t be able to answers their questions; being a nurse in charge means that you have to know everything about the ward, and the problem is that I have short term memory loss (well not really, but the thing is I forget things quite easily). I am also afraid that I will do something wrong or handover something that isn’t right.

Aside from being a nurse in charge, I also feel the pressure of doing some things for our ward. For example, training the staff in syringe pumps. Like, these staff are in the trust waaaaayy longer than me, it would be really awkward to teach them things that they know already, probably more than me. Lastly, I don’t really feel that I belong in my ward. There is really no connection with me and my colleagues. I can tolerate being with them, but I can’t help but compare the companionship that me and my workmates in the Philippines have. I don’t feel at home in my ward. Yes, they seem to be nice and kind to me, my manager is great, but I don’t feel I belong there.

This is me graduating from my Preceptorship. I feel relieved, but pressured at the same time.

I have a broken heart. Yes, however hard I try to avoid it, I really am a hopeless romantic. I think I completely moved on already from my past two heartbreaks (yes, as I said, I tend to forget things quickly). But the thing is, I fall easily. Well not really easily, but, it’s hard to explain. It’s still the same person that I was pertaining to in my last post. I tried communicating with him more during the past few weeks, and I don’t know if he just doesn’t get it or he’s just shrugging me off. But I think that I might have hurt his feelings in some ways that I cannot undo now. He is so cold to me now, that I think we cannot go back to the level of friendship we had before. I want him to know about how I feel, but I don’t think that I can bear another heartache again. And I want to give myself some self-respect. I want to be loved because a man loves me so, not because I told him that I like him. Dalagang Pilipina lang dapat tayo. So there heart, I think my decision on this is just be the best friend you can be ever be. If he wants you, then you can entertain. But if not… I don’t know. Just don’t be sad heart. I hope someone will realize that I am a great lady too. I hope someone will give me a chance…

I think you ignoring this means a no, right? Don't worry, I'll try to forget the feelings now. :')

I have no direction. More than one year has already passed since I left the Philippines, but here I am, took some time off from work due to depression, and I don’t know where to go next. I don’t know what to do tomorrow, next month, next year, or for the rest of my entire life. I keep busying myself with different hobbies that I don’t seem to focus on to or finish (hello books, hello Diablo 3, hello Steam games, hello art set). I want to travel, but I don’t know where. I want to buy a house, but I don’t know how. I want to have a family, but nobody wants me. As I said, I am on an impasse right now. But I think I know the answer. Just make realistic plans, and stick to it. Give some time for yourself. Acknowledge your victories and accomplishments. I need to appreciate myself more. I am a great woman, and the proof is who I am right now, where I am, and what I am capable of doing. And I realized that I have a missing piece in my life right now. I forgot about God. I became too caught up with the world and these material things that I forgot about my spirituality. So now I am turning back to You. I hope that You will still accept me.

But I'm thankful that I was able to achieve one of my childhood dreams. I just hope that next time there would be someone here with me. Thank you in advance, Lord. :)

My rant is finished, and I feel better now. My thoughts are much more organized. I feel more capable, and I love myself more. I hope the next time that I write here, it will be for a more positive news. I love you Jane!!!

Random Musings

It has been some time since I last wrote on this blog. I cannot sleep even though I’ll be working night later. And to think that I usually boast that I can sleep with the flick of a finger. But I can understand me, there’s something bothering me. And that’s why I’m writing here again.

I don’t find enjoyment in anything that I do. I tried reading books, playing online, offline, PC, and mobile games, read work-related articles, messaging people - but none is working. All of these are just making my head ache. I guess I’m depressed. I guess I just need someone to talk with. Ask me how my day has been. If I’m alright. If I’m still alive. I think I’m annoying other people when I try doing this for them - I’m extremely sensitive regarding that.

And the thing is, I just came from Italy together with some friends. The trip was good, it was tiring, but it was good. My heart and mind are still there, I want to go back. The place is just perfect for me. At least I was able to forget all of the stress here in UK. Although I want to change some things that I did back there - I guess I was too guarded. I wonder if I just had let my heart do its thing, would I be happier now?

But I am disappointed with myself. Why do I fall ever so easily. Why can’t I control my feelings? Just showing me kindness and some mixed signals that I don’t even know if those are for me is making me like someone. Focus Jane. Focus. You don’t want another friendship ruined because of your emotions.

I guess I’ll just stay away for now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if I’m ready for all of these yet. I don’t think that I am someone that anyone can be proud of. I’m not beautiful, I’m chubby, my cooking skills are limited, I’m clingy, I’m not too expressive.. Maybe that’s why no one is interested in me.

But despite all of that, I still want someone to spend my time with, someone to talk with, someone to embrace me, someone to love me with all their heart. But hoping and waiting for that someone is breaking me. I’m getting old and I need someone to rely on. I try to tell myself that I’m a strong independent woman, but at times like these, I admit that I still want someone with me.

I guess I’ll just try resolving this on my own. I hope I can. I hope my brain will try to calm down. I don’t want another migraine episode - because now I’ll be all alone here with no one to care for me.

Reasons for Moving Out

Well, I currently have some time in my hands (six days to be exact 😎 ) that's why I'll be doing this post. This is just bugging my mind for too long now and I want to tick it off my To Do List. I wrote the draft for this when I was still in the Philippines and reviewing for the IELTS after I had flunked for my first try. As you might have guessed from the title, these are the reasons why I chose to leave the Philippines, well, the Nursing profession there in particular.

1. I do not love my job.

If I had the choice, I would have chosen a 9-5 job which does not involve dealing with people - directly. And nursing is a job that is the total opposite of that. I have all the core values that our college has to offer (I hope so) - Integrity, Nationalism, Caring, Universalism, and Excellence, but it just drains all of my energy (physical, emotional, social, spiritual, etc.)!!! I am good at my job, but I guess after several years of practicing it, I think I still don't have the passion for it. Maybe I have, but I guess I was just too tired. Aside from the physical aspects of the job which required me to stand and walk around and do procedures 8 hours per shift (or more in most days) with no lunch or toilet breaks (most of the time), I have low tolerance for dramatic and emotional encounters. It just drains me. I try to be as distant as possible from my patients and their families, but sometimes before I sleep at night I still think about them. Years of experience will never let me get used to it.

2. Health hazards.

Nursing involves direct patient contact, with people who are ill, and may have communicable diseases. Even though we wear masks, normal or the N95 ones, I still don't feel safe. And heck, we even have to buy our own protective supplies most of the time because it's not available in our pharmacy! If you are tired from all the work that you're doing, your immune system would also be compromised, which places you at a greater risk to contracting these bugs from the people that you are caring for. And once you are sick, there will be little support for you. You can even be doubted if you really are sick, you'll be asked to go to the infirmary wherein you have to go in early and the doctors will come in late, you'll be asked to report to duty as soon as possible because your ward is short-staffed, and if you're gone for a long time you'll be bugged by your conscience for all your workmates who worked extra hours just to fill in your shifts. I mean, this is nursing, I care for people, but who will care for me when I am the one who is sick?

Aside from that, nurses are also at risk for unhealthy lifestyle. One is because of shifting schedules. Imagine having to work three kind of shifts in a month (8 hours a day, 5 days a week) - 06:00-14:30, 14:00-22:30, and 22:00-06:30. Your body clock will be so messed up that you have to find a way to condition your body to sleep and wake up on demand just to get that well-deserved rest - or not. You're lucky if you have the chance to get out of the ward on time, but because of the workload, most of the time, nurses go home one hour or more after their shift ends - with no overtime pay. There is also the problem of having spine related problems due to frequent lifting of heavy patients. If your hospital doesn't provide the right equipment and training with all those lifting and patient handling, sooner or later you yourself will have to undergo therapy and surgery for your back. And as I have said earlier, there is also the problem with not eating and going to the toilet for a whole shift. It might be because you are too busy doing more urgent things for the doctors and patients that you don't have time for yourself to even do even the most basic of things (and that's why many nurses have gastric and kidney problems). And once your home from duty, the tendency is just to eat and then lay flat in bed and rest. And it does not end there. Because you are so stressed, you tend to stress-eat mostly unhealthy foods, and not do any exercise (and that's why many nurses are diabetic, hypertensive, and have high cholesterol levels).

Enough with the physical aspects of health hazards, because there are also the emotional and mental aspects of care. We are not robots. Handling 5-15 patients a day can take a toll on our emotional health, especially those requiring end of life care. Usually we just try to laugh it out with our colleagues and make jokes, but deep inside, it's not enough for me. Sometimes I feel that I'm becoming a being with a dark personality because I feel that I am becoming less passionate and empathic towards my patients. Well I don't know if that's normal or if that's a good defense mechanism to stay on this job. And all's well and good if you have supportive colleagues, but sometimes all of you are just so tired and drained that you won't be able to offer much help for each other.

3. Financial problems.

Let's face it. This is an old problem with the nursing profession. We are working too hard but we are not compensated much in the Philippines. Yes, you can get by with your everyday life, buy the essentials to live, travel sometimes (well, if you are allowed to file a long leave), spoil yourself a little. But you'll notice in time that you won't be able to save much for your future. Heck, with all those health hazards and health problems that you can acquire with this profession, you might just want to retire early. But you can't. Because you don't have savings. In the end, you're just working for the patients and for the hospital, but not for your future.

4. Personal circumstances.

The truth is, I don't want to be a nurse forever in the Philippines. I wanted to pursue higher education, earn a degree, and shift professions. But surprise! I won't be able to do that while I'm a nurse because I won't have the time and energy for it. And because the ward is always short-staffed (imagine, it will be nearly one year since I resigned, but there is still no replacement for me), there would be little support for me in terms of scheduling. And I can't resign either, because no one will fund my education - and my life.

I'm not really expressive with myself or stylish, or whatever you call it. But I think nursing in the Philippines is too strict. We're not allowed to color our hair with brighter colors, not allowed colored underwears, hair should always be in a bun, only white leather shoes are allowed, big earrings, bracelets, and other jewelleries not allowed... and many more. I know and I understand why these rules are implemented, but I think that sometimes it's just too restrictive (well doctors are doing their rounds with just casual clothings - why do you have to be too strict to nurses?). One other issue is because of time restrictions - I am unable to pursue other interests (arts & crafts, cooking, programming, etc.) Well, before I entered the university, I was pretty sure that I am a fairly creative person. But now, it seems that all of the creative juices in my life had been extracted and sent to Mordor or somewhere.

Lastly, I live far away from the hospital that I was working at. Transportation fares are fine; however, it's the heavy traffic that will kill me. Imagine having to sit for 2-3 hours inside a cramped van before AND after your duty. And you're lucky if the airconditioning system works well, if not you'll have to learn how to access your transcendental mind or something just to let your thoughts wander while your body is squished like a sardine. I rented a dorm near the hospital, but my family just misses me too much (what I really wanted to say is that I really miss them). I know, it's hell everyday. It's like I'm sacrificing all that I have, just in order to stay in a job that I don't want, in order to prepare for a non-existent future.

5. Social circumstances.

What I wrote in my draft is "My ego will not allow me to continue working in a country wherein my efforts, passion, and profession are not appreciated." I graduated with a degree not just to serve as assistants to their revered doctors, but to practice my profession with passion and dignity. So I think that I will not be able to continue working in a country which undermines my role and responsibilities. Sure, there are still some patients and their families who appreciate us nurses and what we do, but there are just others who are especially rude to us. Imagine blaming us in everything that is wrong with their hospitalization even though in essence we have no part in it (billing, late doctors, no funds, unsuccessful/delayed procedures, medications not available in pharmacy, damaged hospital property, one working elevator for the hospital, etc.). I mean hey, we're just doing our job, we are even doing the extra mile for you just to help with the problem, so why be rude to us? And the painful part is when they are shouting at us, but when the doctors/other perceived higher figure comes, they tuck their tails between their legs and talk to them in a soft voice, as if they are the kindest person in the world. I give up. It's just as if we are being treated as maids over there. Or even lower. And if we are the one's who have reached our limits, or did something wrong, or even just a perceived error in their part - but not really, it immediately goes to social media wherein all of your credibility will go down to drain.

So there, those are my reasons for leaving. I realized that I still experience some of the things that are in the list, but at least I am compensated well, I am able to save for my future, I am allowed to have lots of leaves if I wanted too, and I can take care of myself better. I sacrificed many things, but I think it's all worth it. And if I get tired here or get kicked out for whatever reason, I won't regret my decision of going here even one bit. One thing is for sure - I won't go back to being a staff nurse in the Philippines.

~oOo~

Tired Jane is tired. 😔

To a New Beginning

“But he did not understand the price. Mortals never do. They only see the prize, their heart's desire, their dream... But the price of getting what you want, is getting what you once wanted.” 

- Neil Gaiman, The Sandman

~oOo~

2017 had passed. And it was like a roller coaster ride for me. I was able to find a job here in UK, I was able to travel to some places, I was able to make new friends, and I had my heart broken, crushed, torn into a million pieces.

Our eight-year relationship had ended. I guess LDR didn’t work out well for us. Although I felt that I was the one cheated in this situation, looking at it objectively, both of us had our own share of mistakes.

I blame him mainly for not having a plan for our future, or at least having an interest on thinking about one. And he blames me for not having much time, sympathy, and understanding for him and and his career. I tried fixing the problem, but he won’t let me. So what else can I do? I’m already tired of thinking and planning for the both of us. And I can see that he already has someone else that he fancies. I’m an overly possessive person in nature, but I try to hide and control it as much as possible. But I don’t want to hold on to someone who wants to be free. So now I let him be.

I don’t even know if I’m writing much sense here. Three months had already passed and I think that I am slowly moving on. The first month is hell. I was always crying alone in my room. I had to fake a smile when I was with my friends, because I don’t want them to pity me. Because I am a self-proclaimed strong independent woman. I hated myself. “Am I not enough? Is there something wrong with me? Was it a mistake to go here?” I cannot sleep, since I always dreamed of him. I spent a third of my life with him, and it was gone in a blink of an eye. I had already imagined myself walking through the church aisle to him, having our own house, kids, car, cat, and whatever else a happy family has. Heck, we already even have a name for our child. But it seemed like he did not think much about those things. Have I been too demanding? I don’t know. He could’ve told me. We’re each other’s bestfriends and he could’ve told me.

But there’s no sense in thinking on what could have been. I just wish he’s happy now without me. I hope somone will take care of him better than me. I still love him, but not the way that I used to. I think I will continue to remember him for some time in every things and places that we used to do and go to. I have to move on, for me, my family, and him.

I am just thankful that I had my friends who supported me in that difficult moment of my life. I didn’t want my family to know that I was so devastated by what happened, I don’t want them to worry about me. I guess after all I’m just a little crybaby who wants someone to be with me.

Anyway, life goes on. I try to think of the advantages of being single. I can travel without worrying that he might get jealous of who I am with. I can spend more time with my friends and family. And instead of thinking about what’s good for the both of us, I can focus more on myself and what I want.

And so, I welcome 2018 with open arms. Please be good to me. Here's to a new year and new beginnings! 🍻🍾

At Cambridge, waiting for my forever. Chos!